Halcyon
by WatchAndLearnKid
Summary: When the unthinkable happens to Evan, Jonathan is on a flight for Canada before he can even think. He finds his friend in a crippling situation and has to decide whether he should stay or go. But it was a choice he would always make, time and time again. H2OVanoss M/M
1. Chapter 1

Evan cleared his throat and nodded. "I understand."

She gave him a sympathetic grin and he hated it. He'd always known she would decide to leave and he didn't know why he still tried. He didn't know why he thought he could find a girl who gamed and could still handle the fact that he couldn't give her all of the time she wanted from him.

They always said they were okay with it but the longer he was with them, the more they wanted to cling. He understood that and he was always willing to please them, but he never enjoyed it like thought he should.

He wanted to pamper them, kiss them, hold them, maybe one day love them. But in the end he figured out he just wasn't committed to typical relationships. They were supposed to be fun and they were supposed to have a great time gaming together and they always strayed from the games and wanted more from him instead.

He was done, just completely over trying to find the right one. So he helped his new ex pack her things in the back of her car and gave her a polite embrace and wished her well. Her car disappeared down the road and he didn't feel any remorse, he simply walked back inside and grabbed his keys off the counter.

"Cartoonz! Jump, jump!"

"I'm trying, Delirious! Shut the fuck up!"

Jonathan watched Luke's Battle Block character fall into the water for the fifteenth time and he laughed just as hard as he did every other time.

He caught his breath when his phone rang. "Evan's calling me, let's just take a break. We suck, dude."

Luke cracked up again, "Alright, I need to go eat with the lady anyway. Holla."

"Peace." Jonathan clicked out of the game and answered his phone. "What's up, man?"

"Hey. Not much, just driving around, figured I'd holler at you for a bit." Evan said and he sounded a bit far away like he was on speaker.

"You shouldn't be on your phone while you're driving, you dufus." Jonathan said and made his way to the kitchen.

"I'm talking to you through the car. You know, the blue tooth thingy."

Jonathan laughed, "So you look like a crazy person talking to yourself. Even better."

"Shut up."

Jonathan pinned the phone between his face and shoulder and made himself a massive sandwich. "So, why are you just driving aro -"

Jonathan paused, letting his butterknife and mayo rest on the counter when he realized. Evan liked to talk to him when he had things on his mind and sometimes he would drive. Just drive wherever and think it out and it was mostly because of a girl. "Did Avery break up with you?"

"Yeah."

"Dude." Jonathan muttered and he really didn't know what to say and he was about to open his mouth again and give him his sympathy but Evan cut him off.

"Don't say you're sorry. I appreciate it, but I know you didn't like her. I don't think I really did either now that I think about it." Evan rubbed his eyes and kept driving into the night. The sky was cloudy and he could see lightening flickering ahead of him. The town was quiet, a small steady line of late night traffic littered the highway and he was tired.

"I don't know why I even bother anymore, Delirious."

Jonathan sat down at the table and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, maybe you should stop trying. Life isn't just about being with someone. Just let the right one come to you. Stop looking so hard."

Evan swallowed his feelings, "I know. I'm just really tired of feeling like this."

"Like what?"

"Alone. But I don't really like going out and being around people. Does that make any sense?"

"It does." Jonathan nodded to himself. "You're like me. You need social interaction but you also need to be alone. And you need someone that likes it that way too. Someone that respects your space but knows when you need your bubble burst."

Evan was silent, nodding to himself. Then he realized he hadn't said anything, but was talking to himself in his head. He gave a small laugh, "Yeah, that's exactly what I want. But it's like a fucking needle in a hay stack around here apparently."

"Maybe you need to stay away from the Canadian bacon and get a taste of some foreign flavor." Jonathan said, cracking up when Evan let out a genuine laugh and he new he'd be okay when they got off phone.

"Listen, I'm sorry for always talking about my depressing life with you. I'm just so . . . tired, is the only way I can describe it. I don't hardly sleep, I think too much and I just need to tell someone." Evan blinked, feeling his eyelids and how dry they were from lack of sleep.

Jonathan felt for him, he really did. He understood that fight between thinking and sleeping and his mind always won. "Don't ever apologize for that, Evan. Just call me like you always do and tell me about it. I understand and I'm listening. I'm here for you, dude. Delirious is yo man."

Evan smiled, alone in his car as he approached the green light of the intersection ahead. The rain was starting to come down hard and he was feeling alright. He usually did after he talked with Delirious.

He turned his wipers on top speed as the rain beat down. "Ya know, Delirious, you're a pretty chill guy considering you're a basket case."

Jonathan's bubbly laugh filled the vehicle, but it didn't drown out the sudden squeeling of tires sliding on wet pavement or the blinding headlights that slammed into the side if his car.

Jonathan nearly broke his phone between his fingers when he heard the crunching of metal on metal, the screeching of tires and a scream that echoed in his head. He couldn't breathe. "EVAN!"

He waited, hearing nothing but rain beating down on a vehicle, like a tin roof. It was quiet. "EVAN! Fucking say something! Please!"

His voice broke on the last word and he felt his knees give on him and he clutched at the table for support. He dropped to the floor when he heard a short wet cough and labored breathing on the other end.

"Nnn."

"Evan?"

The call ended just as he heard sirens in the background. Then he couldn't keep the tremble out of his fingers or his voice when he called Luke, sitting on his kitchen floor with his face in his hands trying not to have a panic attack.

"Hello?"

"Luke!"

Luke was already grabbing his keys and running to his car, he couldn't understand a word Jonathan was saying. He was hysterical and his voice was wet and scared.

"I'm on my way. Just calm down, okay? Breathe." Luke tried, but the man was panicking. "Jonathan!'

But he wasn't listening, just rambling, too upset to think. "Iheardtheotherfuckingcarhithimohmyfuckingfuckwhatifijustlistenedtohimdie?!"

"Jonathan, I can't understand a word you're saying. Calm down for a fucking second and tell me what happened."

But all he got was terrified sobs on the other end.

* * *

Luke stepped through Jonathan's back door and found him backed into the corner of the kitchen against the cabinets, crying his heart out and Luke didn't know what to do.

"Hey." He got to his knees in front of him and pulled his hands away from his face. "Hey, it's going to be okay. Deep breaths."

He breathed in deep and waited for Jonathan to mimick him. He did and Luke wiped at his face with a hand towel. His chest was red and splotchy from crying but he was finally breathing normal again.

"Now, tell me."

Jonathan took a breath, his lip trembling again but he held it back, clearing his throat. "I was on the phone with Evan and I heard another car hit his. He won't answer anymore."

Luke sat down hard on the wood floor. "Are you sure he was in an accident?"

"I heard him scream and I . . ." Jonathan choked again. "What if he's dead?"

"No." Luke shook his head.

"It sounded really fucking bad, Luke!"

"Okay, we'll call around to the hospitals up there and see if he's been admitted. Alright?" Luke waited and Jonathan was shaking like a fucking leaf. "What province?"

"Ontario." Jonathan said without hesitation. "But there's probably fifty different hospitals up there."

Luke opened the laptop on the table and searched for phone numbers and he tossed Jonathan his phone. "Then we better start calling if we want to find him."

"Go with me, please." Jonathan begged but Luke shook his head as he drove him to the airport in the middle of the night. They'd called thirty hospitals until they found the right one. The nurse told Luke that he was in critical condition, but they had him stabilized. He had relayed the message to Jonathan, but kept the critical part out. Jonathan had sagged against the wall in relief that he was even alive.

"I would, but I can't. I'm working double shifts all week. There is no way I can leave right now. I'll come up there when I can." Luke said and Jonathan stared out at the road for the rest of the drive. "I'm sorry, Jonathan."

"I just can't believe this is happening."

He hugged Luke and said goodbye before he boarded and he debated the entire flight whether or not to tell anyone what had happened. He figured it could wait until he got there and found him first. When his feet were on the ground he threw his bag over his shoulder and walked as fast as he could to the exit and to a cab. He tapped his finger against his knee the entire drive to the hospital and when he stepped out, the air was crisp and cold. The hospital was even colder. He hated hospitals. They were so bright and white and the smell drove him insane. That sterile pungent scent that didn't leave your nose for days. It was unsettling.

He moved around a few people in the never ending hallway until he found an office and he asked for Evan's room. She smiled sweetly at him and there was a small sadness in her eyes when she came from behind her desk and let him to the room herself. "He's not awake yet, but you can stay as long as you need. He's still considered to be in critical condition from the severeness of the concussion he sustained. We're waiting for him to wake up and then we can tell just how bad it is. For now, we're letting his body rest."

She opened the door and he hesitated in the doorway. He could feel his fingers shaking, so he pulled them into fists. "Does his family know?"

"No, we can't find any emergency contact numbers for him. That usually means they don't have family or they're estranged." She said and glanced into the room where they could see his feet beneath the sheets of the hospital bed. "Are you family?"

Jonathan shook his head, "No, I'm a friend. I just flew here from North Carolina. I was on the phone with him when it happened. Scared the shit out of me."

She put a hand on his shoulder, comfortingly and he felt the tears threatening as she urged him into the room. "He's alive and you're here now."

"Yeah. Thank you." He gave here a small grin and he watched her leave. His gaze fell back to the feet he could see and his nerves were twisting as he moved forward. More of the bed came into view and the beeping of the heart rate monitor was deafening. He saw hands that were both in casts up to his elbows, his chest was wrapped in gauze and he finally let his eyes fall on his face. Jonathan felt the tears fall from where they had pooled slowly the closer he had got. Evan's forehead was also wrapped thickly in gauze, his eyes were black and bruised like he'd never seen. He was littered with cuts, scrapes, and bruises.

Jonathan sank into the seat beside him, wiping furiously at his face. He hadn't cried this much since he was a kid. Of all the things that could've convinced him to come see Evan, it was this. He hated himself for that.

He pulled his phone out and dialed Luke who answered on the first ring.

"How is he?" Is all he said.

"It's bad." Jonathan stood and walked over to the window. "Bruised ribs, broke both of his forearms, and he has a concussion and they won't know how bad it really is until he wakes up."

Luke sighed heavily, relieved. "At least he's alive, that is literally all that matters right now."

Jonathan let his gaze travel back to the motionless figure in the bed, "I know."

Jonathan fell asleep, not on purpose but from exhaustion. His eyes had stayed open as long as he could make them, watching the steady breathing of the man out cold on the bed. The beeping of his monitor is what eventually convinced his tired eyes to close. It was like a metronome in the silent cold room. He had pulled his hood over his head and tucked his feet beneath him in the chair, pulling his jacket around him tighter.

He woke up warm, covered in a blanket and squinting against the light coming through the window. Jonathan sat up and noticed a few bags of chips on the side table, a bottle of water, and a small pack of Advil. He didn't notice his head was hurting until he felt the pinch in his neck from sleeping weird. It must have been the nurse from yesterday that left him the supplies and he was thankful.

Evan was still under and Jonathan didn't know what to do now that he was there. He didn't know how long Evan would be out, he didn't know how bad it was and now he had to figure out if he needed to stay.

He washed down the Advil with the water and ate a bag of chips before he headed out the door and down the hall where the same woman was there to greet him.

"Thanks for all of that." He said and she smiled up at him from behind her desk.

"It's no problem, honey."

"Listen, I have no idea if he has family. I've known him for three years now and he's never said anything about them. Could you help me, maybe?" Jonathan ran a hand through his short hair. "This is the first time I've ever even been here. I just need to figure out whether or not I need to stay."

She smiled and pulled up an empty chair next to her. "I'll do what I can. Come have a seat."

Jonathan got comfortable beside her and watched her probably break a dozen rules as she searched the hospital data base for Evan's records. Once she found his birth certificate, she searched for his mother's records and found out she had another child five years later.

The printer beside him jumped to life and stared spitting out papers. Jonathan rifled through them and found an address for his parents, but when he called he found the phone was disconnected, it no longer existed.

"Damn it. What about the brother?" Jonathan asked.

"I can't find any telephone number or an address for him. I'm sorry, sweetie." She gave him a sympathetic look.

"My name's Jonathan." He said and put the chair back where she took it from and he walked to the other side of her desk where the public belonged.

"I'm Melanie. If you need help with anything else, let me know."

Jonathan nodded, "I will, thank you again. I really appreciate you try -"

His words were cut short when a doctor and three nurses rounded the corner and jogged their way down the hall past them. Jonathan looked to Melanie for an explanation but she was just as bemused.

Jonathan followed them and he moved a little faster when he heard a panicked voice that sounded more than familiar.

"Stop!" He heard Evan crying out and when he entered the room two of the nurses were holding him down. "Where am I?"

"You're in the hopital, hon. You were in an accident, calm down." One of the nurses said and he slowly stopped moving, but his breathing was still heavy.

"Do you remember?"

He nodded and Jonathan noticed he was looking around, but he never focused on anything in particular. His eyes were bloodshot and frantic and it was starting to worry Jonathan. Something was very, very wrong.

The doctor approached him and it only confirmed Jonathan's suspicions when the man touched Evan, because he flinched like he didn't even see him there.

The older man took his small flashlight and pried Evan's eyelid open, shining light into it. Evan didn't even squint or shy away. Jonathan was twisting his fingers in his hand, feeling more sick by the second.

"Can you see anything, son?"

"No." Evan blinked hard. "What does that mean?"

"We'll run some tests. It's probably from your concussion. Your head hit the window of your car and then the steering wheel and it made your optic nerves swell. It could take a while for them to go back down and for you to regain your vision. But we won't know how badly damaged the nerves are until the swelling goes down. They may need to be replaced and that in itself could leave you permanently blind." The doctor wrote down something on his clipboard. "We'll get you on some anti-inflammatory medication to help with the process and get some appointments scheduled so we can keep tabs on it, make sure you're healing properly."

Jonathan's heart sank at his words and he moved further back into the corner of the room out of everyone's way as they filtered out of the room. Melanie gave him a sad look before she backed out of the room, leaving them alone.

He didn't move, he couldn't. His legs were frozen in place and all he could do was stare at Evan as his eyes looked absently ahead of him. Jonathan could feel the guilt building again, the emotions trying to pool at his eyes and he did his best not to make noise.

Evan clicked the button in his hand and Melanie was in the room again in seconds. "What do you need, sweetie?"

Evan shut his eyes, "A phone."

She unhooked the hospital phone from the wall and sat it in his lap, placing the receiver in his hand. "It has the basic nine numbers and zero at the bottom, no crazy buttons. Do you need help dialing?"

"No." Evan shook his head, "Thank you."

"I'll be just down the hall." She said softly and left the room again.

Jonathan watched him struggle to dial around the casts on his arms and hands. It looked like it was constricting his fingers normal function. But after a minute he finally put the phone to his ear and tried to sit up straighter, sinking back against his pillows. He looked anxious.

Jonathan felt the panic run through his legs when his phone went off in his pocket, the tune always the same; Evan's outro to his videos. He couldn't convince his fingers to move so he just stood there like a idiot as Evan's gaze was directed in his general direction as he slowly hung up the phone.

Evan had called him. He called him first and that spoke volumes.

"Delirious?" Evan said, his blind eyes searching with such hope for an answer in the dark. Jonathan felt the tears rolling and he stepped forward when Evan held a stiff hand out in the empty space between them. "Please . . . tell me it's you."

Jonathan reached his hand out and just as his fingertips touched Evan's he whispered, "It's me."

Evan broke into a smile, laughing lightly until it turned into a cry as he wrapped his fingers tightly around Jonathan's hand. "I'm sorry."

Jonathan sat in the chair beside his bed, letting Evan squeeze as hard as he wanted. "What are you sorry for?"

"I'm sorry you were on the phone when it happened. I could hear you after -"

Jonathan shook his head, quickly reminding himself that Evan couldn't see him. "It doesn't matter. I'm here now and you're alive."

Evan wouldn't let his hand go and Jonathan was starting to realize how scared he looked.

"How long do I have to stay here?" Evan asked and his tone made him seem so small. His lip was trembling and Jonathan knew then that Evan didn't like hospitals. Neither did Jonathan.

"It's the smell isn't it?" He asked.

Evan swallowed before he nodded. "It's so fucking sterile and cold and white and it reminds me of all the times I went to work with my mom. Like I was surrounded by old and sick and sad. Hate the way it makes me feel. Like I'm alone and I just want to leave. When can I leave?"

"I don't know. But I'll go find out." Jonathan stood and he watched as Evan reluctantly let his hand go. "I'll be right back."

"Hurry. Please." Evan clenched the blanket in his hand, pulling it closer. "It's really dark in here."

Jonathan knew he didn't mean the room because the florescent bulbs above were enough to give him a headache. Evan meant that it was dark in there, in his head where he couldn't see, and he really didn't want to be alone.

"Okay, I'll be fast." Jonathan jogged down the hall to the nurse's station. "Melanie. How long are you guys keeping him here?"

"Well, now that he's awake and aware it shouldn't be long. The doctor probably wants to keep him here to rest for the day and then he'll let him go home. Is everything, okay?"

"He just doesn't like hospitals, bad memories, that sort of thing." Jonathan said, already walking back toward the room.

"I'll see if I can speed up the process." She called after him and he gave her a thumbs up.

"Thank you."

Evan's face lit up at his footsteps and he sat up, "So how long?"

Jonathan sat back down beside him, "At the most another day. But the nurse said she would try to hurry it up. So, hopefully a few hours. You should rest, Evan. You look like shit."

"Yeah . . ."

Jonathan heard the tone change in his voice. "You alright?"

Evan hesitated and smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked in his direction, "It's kind of funny. It took me getting into an accident for you to finally come see me and now that you're here . . . I still don't know what you look like."

Jonathan chewed at the inside of his cheek, "You're not missing anything. I'm nothing special."

"I doubt that." Evan grinned and let his head fall back against his pillows and he fell asleep with dry tears on his bruised face and Jonathan knew he wasn't going to be leaving him anytime soon. He was going to stay by his side even if his family showed up.

He was going to stay until Evan could see again.

TO BE CONTINUED.


	2. Chapter 2

"Jonathan."

"Yeah?" He said and poked his head out into the hallway where Melanie was standing there by herself. She was a tiny blonde who was maybe his age, possibly younger. Jonathan liked her, she was kind and had been more than helpful considering he'd never been to Canada and didn't know how anything worked in their world.

"I got your rental car driven over here for you and it has GPS. Here's a list of essential stores and whatnot and their addresses in case you need something while you're here." She handed him a pair of keys and a small stack of papers. "Also, there's a list of vitamins and good healthy recipes that'll be good for him. To help him recover quicker, good for his eyes as well even if his vision fails."

"Wow, Melanie. You didn't have to do all of this." Jonathan shook his head and she shrugged with a cute smile.

"I had time. Plus, you're in a new place and the only other person that would help you is crippled for the time being."

"Thank you. Seriously, this means a lot." Jonathan gave her a quick warm hug because he meant it. "He's still asleep so do you mind telling me how to get to the garage so I can pull the car around to the front?"

She grinned and looped her arm through his, "It's this way, come on."

It took him a while to get the car down and out of the parking garage where they'd left it for him and by the time he pulled up to the pick up zone, he could see Melanie just inside the door with Evan in a wheelchair. He still looked half asleep.

Jonathan got out and shrugged out of his jacket before throwing it in the car. He grinned at the fact that Evan was wearing his clothes, the ones he had packed in his bag in a rush to get here. His H2O shirt with the big hockey mask on it. His jeans fit him just so and he was barefoot.

"Well, there goes my extra pair of underwear." Jonathan joked as she rolled him out.

Melanie smiled, "It was your clothes or the hospital gown and I doubt he'd want his ass end exposed the entire ride home."

"Fair enough. I'll just steal some of his clothes. Now, to get him in the car..."

Jonathan leaned down and slid his arms around Evan's waist and got a firm grip, trying not to hold him where he was hurt. "Grab onto me, Evan. I'm gonna pull you up, alright?"

"Mm." He grumbled in his ear.

Melanie gave him an apologetic smile, "Sorry, they doped him up a bit before I wheeled him down so he'd be more comfortable on the ride home."

"No, it's okay. I've got him." He said and waited for Evan to lift his drowsy, casted arms and link them around his neck. He pulled him and stood tall. Evan sagged against him, trying to hold himself up on his tired legs, but it wasn't happening.

"Okay, man. The car is right behind me. Let's turn." Evan slowly shuffled his feet with Jonathan's as they spun. "Good, now sit. Slowly."

Evan let his his knees bend, his grip on Jonathan tightened even further he went until he felt his ass touch the seat. Then he pulled his feet in and turned into jelly once he got comfortable. Jonathan shut the door and watched him for a moment. He was already asleep again.

"We really should've made him stay longer. He's still in bad shape. He needs a lot of bed rest. Like, a lot. Don't let him do anything for at least a week and keep medicine in him or he's going to be even more miserable than he already is." She eyed him seriously.

"Don't worry. I'll take care of him and I agree he should stay here but he really doesn't want to. He'll feel better being in his own room and I'll be with him to fight him if he tries to get out of bed." He chuckled.

Melanie handed him a bag. "These are his belongings, what was on him when they brought him in." Then she pulled out another small piece of paper. "And here is my number, cell phone and work. If you need me to come help, I will, just give me a ring."

"You are an angel." He smiled down at her and gave her another hug before she shooed him away and into the driver's seat. "Drive safe."

"I will." Jonathan started the car and pulled up Evan's address on the GPS as he began driving them off and out of the hospital parking lot.

It was quiet, but not the odd kind that made you feel uneasy. It was calm and his mind was surprisingly clear for once instead of being loaded down with worry and what ifs. All he knew was that Evan needed him and he'd do whatever he had to do to make him better. He would cook, clean, bathe him if it was necessary.

Anything.

He glanced over at him in the sunlight and he felt like they had always been this close and never seperated by an entire country for years. His face didn't even matter, he'd packed a bag and it didn't even phase him that Evan would finally see him for who he truly was. That had never mattered, not for a second.

Now that he was here...

Evan still hadn't laid eyes on him and he wondered if that was fate. Was Evan destined to never know?

He shook his head, he couldn't think like that. Evan's eyesight would come back eventually and when it did, he'd be waiting right there in front of him with a smile on his face.

* * *

Evan's house was very nice. Two story and roomy which meant lots of opportunities for him to hurt himself. He was still groggy but he could walk on his own. Jonathan grabbed their bags and took him by the arm and guided him through the front door.

Evan mumbled and Jonathan watched as he used his fingers. He let them slide along the wall until he found an opening and disappeared into the dark. He appeared again with an umbrella in his hand, looking around expectantly.

Jonathan smiled, "Dude, you are so high right now."

"No."

"Yes." Jonathan laughed and took him by the arm again. "Which room is yours?"

Evan pointed to the ceiling and Jonathan nodded. "Of course it's upstairs. Wonderful."

He pulled him to the staircase and took it one step at a time, pulling Evan's other hand away from his head where he was messing with the gauze wrapped around it.. "Stop touching it."

"It itches."

"I know but you need to leave it alone." They made it to the top of the stairs and Jonathan sighed. "Which door?"

"That one." Evan pointed straight ahead at the wall. Jonathan rubbed his lips together patiently.

* * *

Once he got him in the bed and comfortable, he went down stairs and sank onto the couch where he stared at the black television screen before he pushed himself back up and grabbed the lists Melanie had given him and the keys to the car.

He drove to the store and stocked up on everything they would need. Food, bandages, vitamins galore and he headed back as fast as he could hoping Evan hadn't woke up again.

He hadn't.

It was like that for an entire week. Evan slept for the next seven days only waking up when he needed to use the bathroom or if Jonathan gently shook him awake to eat. He cooked him smooth warm soups that he let Evan carefully spoon into his own mouth, sitting up in his bed. Unless he was too tired to, then Jonathan fed him himself.

For a week it was quiet and Jonathan spent most of that time watching tv with the volume down and the subtitles on so he could hear if Evan started moving around. It was his eighth day being there when he heard a commotion finally and he ran up the stairs to find Evan trying to pick the objects off the floor that had occupied his bedside table.

"Hey. How do you feel?" He asked when Evan finally got his lamp sitting upright again. He plopped to the floor and sighed as he let his head rest on the wall behind him. Jonathan could see the aggravation bubbling up behind his eyes.

"Blind."

Jonathan ran a hand through his hair. "Are you hurting? Do you need anything?"

He could just barely see his head over the edge of the bed from where he was standing in his doorway. Evan shook his head, "I'm fine. I could use a shower, maybe."

"Yeah." Jonathan said but quickly shook his head. "No. You can't get your casts wet. They make cast protectors but you'd have to wrap both of your arms and hands entirely and then you wouldn't be able to bathe. So, no showers."

Evan groaned as he try to pull himself to his feet. He swayed where he stood. "So I have to be gross until my arms heal?"

"No, I can run a bath and you can soak in it. I'll wash your hair for you. You still have dried up blood caked up in your hair. You tore your bandages off three days ago."

"How long has it been?" Evan asked and he was starting to look a bit confused, like he didn't know where he was.

"A week and a day."

Evan sat down hard on the edge of the bed. "I've been asleep for a week?"

"No." Jonathan grinned. "You've been in and out. Waking up to use the bathroom and to eat. You've just been doped up, high, and sleeping it off. Probably why you don't remember."

Evan rubbed his face, wincing when he touched his eyes. "Shit."

Jonathan could see it starting to sink in by watching the muscles starting to tense in his shoulders. "I'm blind."

"It's only temporary."

"What if it's not? What if they have to replace my nerves or whatever that guy said?" Evan's voice was rising and laced with a hint of panic. "What if I never see again?"

Jonathan walked around the bed and sat down beside him to where their shoulders were pressed against each other's. "Evan. Don't get worked up about it. He said pretty much every person that goes through this sort of concussion regains their vision. He said they'd only do surgery if your nerves were too badly damaged. So, until your head heals and your appointment comes up, just focus on getting better, please. It's going to take time. It's not going to come back over night."

Evan rubbed at his face again, clearly frustrated. "Okay."

Jonathan nudged him. "And if you go blind forever, then I'll stick around and make sure you don't burn your house down."

Evan smiled at that and he wanted to laugh but he couldn't find the will to. He was too terrified of the thought of being trapped in the endless black, the void that he was already looking into. Instead he nudged Jonathan back and said, "Thanks."

"No problem." He responded softly, quietly because he knew what was running through Evan's head. He was scared but he was putting up the best show he could to make it seem like he wasn't. He couldn't be tough all the time and Jonathan knew it was just a matter of time before Evan realized it too.

Evan stood and made his way to the washroom where he felt around for the faucets in his bathtub and turned them to the temperature of his liking, which was nearly scalding. He pulled the plug.

"I was gonna get that for you." Jonathan said behind him.

"It's fine. I've got it." Evan said stubbornly.

"Okay, then pour some soap in there." Jonathan said and stood back with his arms crossed. He waited as Evan's fingers twitched, trying to figure out what was soap and what was shampoo.

"Fine." Evan ground out and felt his way to the sink where he brushed his teeth, letting Jonathan step around him and make his bath. The woodsy fragrance filled his nose and a few minutes later as he was rinsing his mouth out thoroughly, the water was shut off and it got quiet.

"I'll be out here, just let me know when you want me to wash your hair. I made it really bubbly so I won't see your junk." Jonathan said and Evan heard the smirk in his voice. "Just be careful not to put your arms in."

Evan nodded and when the door clicked shut his fingers when to his shirt that he realized wasn't his when he felt the vinyl lettering. He pictured it in his head as his fingers traced the texture on the soft fabric and it spelled out H2O in large letters. There was a huge oval in the middle of the shirt and he knew which one it was then. This was Jonathan's.

He pulled it over his head smelling the faint musk of pine needles and washing detergent. The jeans weren't his either, but they fit very well, nice and comfortable and it was still processing in his brain that Delirious was there and those were his clothes he just pulled off his body. The underwear could be his, he didn't know, but he slid them off and carefully stepped into the tub.

The water was such a relief and he felt all the suds clinging to his legs as he lowered himself down into the steaming bath. His bruises were tender to the touch but the heat made the ache disappear and he sighed heavily into the open room that had always been too big. Big enough for him to have a free standing tub that he could walk around. His breathing echoed around him and he could see it all so clear in his head, but it still made him dizzy anytime he moved. Even if he turned his head, the vertigo hit him like a wave and he had to concentrate to walk steady. He felt sick.

"Delirious?" He called out and the door opened a few seconds later.

"Sup?"

Evan turned his head toward his sounds "Turn that radio on, please."

He listened to his shuffling and relaxed when his ipod dock burst to life, distracting his thoughts as the music bounced off the tile that he knew was bright white and spotless.

"I'm totally jealous that you have a clawfoot tub. It's awesome." Jonathan commented and it sounded like he was sitting right behind his head.

"Hm. It came with the house." Evan sank deeper, up to his neck letting his feet prop up on the edge of the tub. "And it's deep so dudes can actually fit in it. So, yeah. It's pretty awesome."

Jonathan hummed like Evan was so used to hearing but now he was so close and he was hearing his voice with own ears, in real time. "It's still blowing my mind that you're here."

"Trust me it's blowing my mind, too." He said. "I never thought I'd get to see you with my own eyes."

"I wish I could say the same." Evan's words drifted around them with the music and they both fell into a silence until he sat up in the water. He didn't mean to darken the mood any more than it already was. "You can do your thing now."

"Kay. Lean your head back." Jonathan instructed and Evan listened as he scooted closer on what sounded like a small stool.

Evan dropped his head back and relaxed when the hot water poured over his head and he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around his knees and pull them to his chest. But he couldn't or his casts would get wet and that was another thing that was aggravating him; feeling constricted. Not only was he blind, but he also couldn't hardly use his hands.

He focused on the music and let his mind drift when he felt long slender fingers soaping up his hair, slowly massaging his sore scalp. Evan felt his body tiring again already and he felt one of Jonathan's hands slide down to his shoulder.

"Sit back."

Evan slid back until his back was against the porcelain and Jonathan kept rubbing circles on his head. It felt like an eternity and Evan could hardly keep himself awake. He felt more water pouring over him and a gentle hand shielding his eyes from the residue.

"Close your eyes."

Evan shut them, still staring into darkness. Those fingers ran over his face, smooth like a hot knife on butter. He rubbed behind his ears, beneath his chin and briefly ran his hands over his chest and shoulders. More water. His fingers were gone. Evan opened his eyes and tried to stop feeling so disappointed when it was just as black as it was when his eyes were shut.

"I sat a towel on the toilet, so whenever you're ready to get out... if you need me just call me." Jonathan said and Evan felt the uncertainty that was settling around him. He listened to the door click shut and he almost asked him to stay, but he bit it back.

* * *

Jonathan dug through Evan's dresser for clothes and laid them out on the bed for him and went downstairs to cook them something for lunch.

He felt the air shift as a figure appeared at the top of the staircase. Jonathan stoped stirring the vegetables in front of him on the stove and looked up at Evan standing there in the black briefs and the white t-shirt he'd left out for him. Evan grabbed the rail and went to take his first step.

Jonathan abandoned the veggies and bolted forward. "Evan, wait!"

"Delirious, I'm fine. Do you know how many times I've gone up and down these stairs?"

"No." Jonathan ran up to his side. "But I bet you never did it blind."

Evan held back the remark that was poised on his tongue and let Delirous lead him down until his feet felt the the kitchen tile beneath his toes. "What are you cooking?"

"Food."

Evan found a seat at the bar and tapped his fingers against the marble. "What kind of food?"

"The kind you eat."

"Seriously?"

"Oh yeah." Jonathan smirked to himself as he stirred. Then he busied himself with cooking noodles while Evan sat in silence and when he felt the lack of noise begin to claw at his ears he turned around to find him staring blankly at the window across the kitchen. Jonathan couldn't comprehend the look on his face nor could he think of what to say to make it disappear.

He looked... empty.

"Are you okay?" Jonathan asked and he knew what the answer was going to be and he knew it was a lie.

Evan flicked his eyes in his general direction and cleared his throat. "Yeah."

Jonathan didn't miss the shine in his brown eyes, or the tears he was blinking back. He didn't miss the anger he was suppressing or the pain he was pushing down. He didn't miss a single moment of Evan's frustration anytime his food would fall off of his fork as they ate side by side, or the shaking of his fingers as he led him back upstairs to his room. Jonathan saw all of it and he saw Evan holing himself up as he crawled beneath his sheets.

He saw it and he didn't know how to fix it.

But that didn't mean he wouldn't try.

He sat down next to him and thought long and hard. Long enough that Evan rolled over.

Jonathan looked over at his absent eyes. "If... you want to be alone, just tell me. Because I know you do, but I don't want you to lock yourself away all day everyday. You need to move around and get used to things. If it doesn't..."

"Get better?" Evan whispered.

"Yeah. I highly doubt that will happen. I just don't want this to stop you from being you."

Evan closed his eyes and took a deep uneven breath. "This stops me from doing everything and you fucking now it, Delirious. I can't just get back into the swing of things. I can't do _anything_."

Jonathan nodded to himself and Evan didn't need to tell him that he wanted him to go. He wanted to be alone and he needed time, so Jonathan gave it to him.

He left his door open just in case and he made his way back downstairs to clean up the mess he made and he tried his best to sleep that night but the heavy silence was driving him up the wall and he felt the worry starting to settle in. The what ifs.

It had him staring out the window until the sun rose and the birds began their daily ritual of screeching at full volume. It had him cooking breakfast in the early morning light, the smell waking his burden up. Evan's hair was stuck up in the most ridiculous ways as he stood at the top of the stairs.

Jonathan turned the burner off and walked up the steps, taking him by the arm and guiding him down into the chair at the bar. He made him a drink and gave him a plate of food along with his vitamins.

They were almost done eating, sitting in the quiet when Evan put his fork down and said, "I'm sorry. I never even thanked you for flying up here just to take care of me. I guess it just won't sink in until I can actually see you and comprehend you really being here. I know you're sitting right beside me but it doesn't..."

Jonathan licked his dry lips. "It doesn't feel like it should. I know. But I'll still be here when you can see again. I'm not gonna tuck tail and run."

Evan gave him a crooked grin and he fiddle with his fork again. It was pretty and it disappeared just as fast.

"Evan..." Jonathan sat back in his seat and rubbed his face. "I want to ask you something."

Evan hesitated but eventually nodded and Jonathan forced out the question. "Where is your family?"

The look on Evan's face went from empty to solemn in a split second and he pushed his plate away. Jonathan didn't expect the dull ache that settled in his chest when Evan sniffed and fought back tears. He was so torn and Jonathan couldn't stop his fingers from reaching out.

"Hey, it's -"

"No." Evan moved away and shook his head. "Not now."

"Okay."

He watched Evan pull himself up the stairs where he turned and said, "Thank you for breakfast."

Then he disappeared into his room for the rest of the day, staying as quiet as if he weren't even there, like he didn't exist.

The dull ache in Jonathan's chest wasn't so dull anymore. It was like a hot knife burning a hole straight through his sternum.

* * *

Listen to Jose Gonzalez - Down The Line for this chapter. (:


	3. Chapter 3

Despite anything Jonathan had said, Evan stayed in his room, alone, for three days. He only came out to eat and each time he reached the stairs Jonathan would run to his side. Evan fought him about it, insisting he was fine and he that he didn't need to be chauffeured every time. But Jonathan didn't care. He didn't give a shit how mad Evan got. He wasn't risking him falling just for the sake of his pride.

"Do you want me to tell the guys? They've been asking me and your phone has been on the verge of exploding." Jonathan mentioned when he finally coaxed Evan out of his room again to eat something. It wasn't much and he pushed his plate away after only three bites.

"I don't care. You can tell them whatever." He muttered and made for the stairs, sighing when Jonathan's arm wrapped around his waist. Evan's jaw flexed and he tried not to get so aggravated over it, but he did. Every single time. He let his fingers drag along the wall until he found the doorway to his room.

Jonathan stood at the top of the stairs and watched Evan slam the door behind him. There was nothing he could do but watch and let it happen. So he retreated down the stairs and sat around on his phone for a while, sinking into the cushions of the couch while be messaged back and forth with Luke.

 _L - So, you're telling everyone?_

 _J - Yeah. But I don't know how to break it to them that he's fucking blind. That changes everything. He can't even game anymore. He's miserable and he's pushing me away._

 _L - Give it time, man. He's angry and I would be too. He just needs to work through it and if he needs to hash it out and pitch a fit, let him._

 _J - Yeah. It's just not a feeling I like, him being mad at me. He's never been mad at me and I've never seen him so bitter._

 _L - It's going to be fine. I'll go get Skype started and call everyone. Just tell me when you're ready and I'll invite you._

 _J - Alright. Let me go get his laptop._

Jonathan pushed himself out of the cushions and tiptoed up the stairs and into Evan's room. He was asleep, the blankets a tangled bunched up mess around his hips and he was hugging his pillow close. Jonathan's eyes took a moment to actually observe his room. It was somewhat messy but not the filthy kind of mess. It was scattered with trinkets and his room was covered in posters; his own posters, the guy's posters, and his Delirious posters. It put a grin on his face. He got curious and opened his closet to find his shirts separated not by color, but by who they came from. The wad of sky blue ones caught his eye and he counted them. Evan had every single one of his shirts and they looked worn, washed multiple time until they were beginning to fade. They felt like it too as he let his fingers brush over the soft fabric. Movement caught his eye.

Evan rolled over in his sleep and his shirt was shoved up to his chest. His tan skin was smooth as he stretched and went still again. Jonathan tore his eyes away and left the room with Evan's laptop in hand and text Luke that he was ready.

He sat at the bar and rubbed at his tired eyes and waited for the call when he opened Evan's Skype. His heart picked up when it finally rang.

He answered and as soon as it linked him in he heard, "Evan! Where the hell have you been?"

Then, "Oh. You aren't Evan."

"Where's Evan?"

"Who are you?"

He took a breath, looked straight into the camera and said, "Delirious."

 _Silence._

Mini was the first to speak after a moment. "Wow."

"Holy shit." Tyler ran a hand through his hair.

Marcel sat back in his chair, eyes wide. "Um. Well... it's nice to finally meet you."

Jonathan smiled.

"God, look at that." Brock laughed. "You're gorgeous, man."

"Beautiful. Is that why you hid for so long, cause you didn't want any of us falling in love ye?" Nogla snickered and Lui appeared over his shoulder.

"Hey, Delirious! So, why are you on Evan's Skype?" Liu sat beside Nogla, getting comfortable.

"Because I'm at his house." He said plainly and everyone fell silent again, they could hear the seriousness in his voice.

Tyler tapped a finger on his desk. "Did something happen?"

Jonathan nodded and looked towards the stairs. "Yeah, he called me about two weeks ago while he was riding around town. It's just something that we do, we talk a lot of stuff out. He was... hit by a truck going through the intersection. The man's breaks locked up, it was raining. Evan never saw it coming. I was on the phone the whole time. I heard it and I thought I had listened to him die. Scared the absolute shit out of me."

Luke cleared his throat, "So we called around and found out what hospital he was in and Delirious flew up over night."

"Yeah, I've been here ever since, taking care of him." Jonathan nodded.

"How bad was it? Is he okay?" Mini pressed.

"He's okay, but he suffered a pretty bad concussion and as of right now... he's blind."

"Are you... are you fucking serious?" Marcel asked and Jonathan nodded.

Everyone just stared off, soaking in the new information and for a while no one knew what to say. He rubbed his hands together and stuck them between his legs to keep them warm. "I wouldn't have showed my face otherwise, but I really wanted you guys to know. He hasn't been making videos, or playing games, or tweeting because he can't. The doctor said it was only temporary unless his optic nerves were too badly damaged. Then they'd have to do surgery and that could go wrong and leave him blind forever."

"Fuck, man." Liu shook his head. "How is he taking it?"

Jonathan shook his head, looking for words. "He... I don't know. He was okay at first, but now that I'm having to help him do everything he's kind of aggravated I guess. He's angry and I understand why but he won't hardly eat anything and he just stays in his room all day."

They nodded and Tyler said, "Maybe you should get him out of the house sometime. Take his mind off of it for a bit."

"Yeah, I'll do that. Or I'll try. He's so fucking stubborn." He grinned.

Tyler shrugged, "Hey, drag him out by his legs. If he's going to be an ass, just be an ass right back. Him moping around isn't going to make him any better. I hate it's happened to him but you know."

"I know. I've tried talking to him about it, but he just pushes me away. He won't tell me anything." Jonathan rubbed at his dry eyes.

Brock shook his head with a smile, "I just can't get over how pretty you are."

Jonathan smiled, "You can take me on a date one day, Moo. But I gotta get this loser back on his feet first."

The boys chuckled and Mini twiddled his fingers. "Can we see him?"

Jonathan debated for a moment but nodded and took the laptop up the stairs. He stopped at the door and looked in the camera, "Just stay quiet, he's asleep."

"Gotcha."

He cracked open the door and turned the laptop around until they could see him passed out in his blankets. Evan rolled over and mumbled, before he sighed and went still again. But just as Jonathan was about to turn and leave Evan grumbled, "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"My dad is dead. My mother is in Korea taking care of her parents. My little brother is gone. I haven't seen him since the day he turned eighteen and left."

Jonathan put the computer on the bed and sat down next to him. He glanced at the guys before he asked, "So you don't have anyone?"

"No. My family was never close. My dad was always pushing me to be a doctor like my mom. I could never make him happy. My mother left him a long time ago and two years ago she went home to Korea because my grandparents got sick. She never came back and I don't blame her. Dad died from a heart attack about five years ago and I never missed him." Evan let his head fall in his direction. The boys were silent.

"And your brother?"

Evan licked his dry lips, "My brother... I loved my little brother. He was all that I had and I guess when I tried to take care of him after Mom left, it drove him away. I wasn't good at being the parent he needed. As soon as he hit eighteen he packed up and left the next morning. I don't know where he is and I think about that every day. He could be dead."

"Don't think like that. He's more than likely just staying with a friend. Trying to get away from his overprotective brother." Jonathan ran his hand up Evan's upper arm, the part that wasn't covered in a cast, trying to give him some sort of reassurance that he didn't really have to give.

Evan's jaw tightened and he rolled away. "Maybe. But I don't remember Jamie ever having friends. I guess he takes after his brother."

"That's not true." Jonathan huffed. "You have me."

But Evan was silent, his eyes closed and his words final. Jonathan rolled his eyes and pushed himself from the bed. "Whenever you're done feeling sorry for yourself you can come downstairs. I didn't come here to watch you starve and sleep your life away. If you don't come down tomorrow Evan, I'll make you."

He left without another word or second glance. He picked up the laptop and shut the door behind him trudging downstairs and back to the couch.

"Well, that went well." Luke said.

"I have tried being sympathetic and nice and understanding but he takes it and pushes me away anyway. He's getting on my nerves with this shit. He's literally eaten six bites in the past two days and he looks terrible. You guys saw him." He ran his hand through his hair and ruffled it up out of frustration. "I don't know what else to do."

"Slap some sense into him. Tell him what he needs to hear." Tyler said very straightforward. "Fight him if you have to. He'll take the hint."

"I'm not fighting a blind guy." Jonathan crossed his arms and sat back.

"You know what I mean, Delirious. Just do what you have to."

"And keep us updated on how he's doing, alright?" Marcel said to change the tone of the heavy conversation.

"I will. I'll talk to you guys later."

"Okay, man. Keep in touch." They waved.

"It was awesome finally seeing your face."

Jonathan smiled and Brock groaned and left which had him laughing as he ended the call. He had never thought of himself as good looking because he'd always felt like an average guy. He never had a lot of girls running after him and he knew why. Jonathan was the quiet weird kid that sat at the one table the strange people sat at during lunch. It was the best table in his opinion but it had him lacking friends all throughout high school. But he didn't mind, he liked to be by himself. Luke always insisted he was beautiful and that if he swung that way he'd be all over him. He always laughed it off.

Jonathan left the couch and went into the downstairs bath to look at himself and he always felt the same way each time he stared at the man looking back in the mirror. He sighed and let his finger run over the thin scar that ran from the left side of his jaw down to his neck. It wasn't that visible in certain lighting but he could always feel it, reminding him that his looks almost cost him his life.

* * *

The next day came quicker than he expected it to and he was walking up the stairs just as Evan was opening his bedroom door. He stopped and so did Evan when he heard him.

"What? You didn't think I would come out?" Evan said and Jonathan hated the tone his words took.

"No. I didn't." Jonathan responded just as cruel. "But do you blame me?"

Evan exhaled through his nose and moved for the stairs, his fingers guiding him and he pushed Jonathan's hand away when he reached for him. He could feel the man burning a hole into the back of his head as he went down the stairs alone.

Evan slid his cold feet across the tile floor, feeling for the cabinets until he found the one that held cups. He grabbed a plastic one and moved for the refrigerator, pulling weakly at the stainless steel that was cold beneath his fingers. He felt for something to drink and couldn't determine what was what. The frustration was building and it was only made worse when Jonathan slid up beside him and said, "There's water, orange juice, tea, and milk. Which one do you want?"

Evan stared straight ahead stubbornly before giving up, "Tea."

He listened and gripped his cup tighter when Delirious poured the liquid into it.

"We're going to the park in a little while. So, you should probably bathe again before you go out in public. And you need to eat something."

"Not hungry."

"Evan, you're losing a lot of weight and I know you can feel it. You're weak." Jonathan caught his arm when he tried to move past him. "And quit trying to avoid me."

"I'm not."

Jonathan blew an aggravated breath out of his mouth. "You aren't good at lying to me."

Evan yanked his arm away and made for the stairs again, "I'm not lying to you, Delirious. I just want to be alone."

But Jonathan knew. He knew that fucking tone and the way he tried to make it sound as convincing as possible. He was right behind Evan with every step he took and when he walked in his room he attempted to slam the door in face. Jonathan caught it with his hand, the sound loud and a bit unexpected by the look of shock on Evan's face when he turned in place.

"What the _fuck_ do you want?!" Evan said, his pent up frustration tearing it's way out finally and Jonathan took it and turned it right back around on him.

"I want you to fucking stop wallowing around in self pity up here, day and night! It is literally getting you nowhere and sulking about it is just making you angrier! So just stop! Stop trying to do things by yourself, because you can't Evan! Stop going down the stairs by yourself, stop pushing your fucking food away! I know you're hungry! I know you're tired! I know you want to do things like you used to but you just can't Evan! Not right now, and it's not going to be forever! It's going to get better, so stop acting like it's the end of the fucking world!"

Jonathan took a breath and Evan started, "You have no idea how I feel! I don't want to get out of my bed because there is no fucking point! None! I can't look at my phone, I can't play a game, I can't read, I can't even wash my own fucking hair! My career is nonexistent right now! Everything is a waste of time until I can see again! And I don't need your help walking around, my feet work perfectly fine! I've never had help my entire life, I think I can fucking manage on my own!" He paused and caught his breath. He felt light headed.

"God damn it, Evan!" Jonathan pulled at his hair. "Is that your problem? Mom and Dad never helped you out, never pulled you up and brushed the dirt off your shirt, never gave you what you needed? Fuck that! Just because you had to be independent your entire life doesn't mean you can't break down and let someone take care of you for once! Why can't you get it through your head that I'm just trying to help you. I'm trying to feed you and keep you healthy. I'm trying to get you out of your fucking bed and moving around so when you can see again you can get back normal."

Evan stood there, words wanting to form a retaliation on his tongue, but they refused. Jonathan spoke again, his tone dropping until it was soft, "Just let me take care of you, Evan. Please? That's all I want to do. If you want to be alone, that's fine. Just tell me and I'll give you your space, okay? But you need to eat and you need to get out more. You're fucking worrying me, man."

Jonathan waited for a reply, but Evan just sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the floor. He looked like he had something to say but he held it in. Jonathan sighed and Evan finally glanced up, "I want to be alone right now."

It was a lie and Evan could feel Jonathan watching him. He could feel a lot of things.

Evan listened to the door click gently and the thumping of feet going down the stairs and the quiet wrapped itself around him again. He would listen to music but he couldn't find his headphones and he didn't want to ask for help.

He never asked for help and he was good at being alone, even if it was the worst feeling he'd ever experienced. Worse than being blind and in the dark. He wouldn't ask for help because it was drilled into his brain not to. His independence was something he had forced on himself and it ate away at him. He learned not to expect help from anyone and to get things done on his own.

When he heard Delirious' phone ring when he called him that rainy morning in the hospital, he didn't know what to feel or think. The faceless guy he had attached himself to was there in the room with him and when he thought about it, he had felt it. He had a certain vibe that he gave off and Evan felt it anytime he was near. It almost felt . . . warm. Like a flicker of light.

Evan was very much drawn to it, but he wouldn't let himself get too close. He didn't want to be dependent of it, he didn't want to become his burden.

He curled around himself beneath his sheets, his casts getting in the way. They were so uncomfortable and the past two and half weeks had him aching to get them taken off. He felt like he was being held down by the wrists and that made him anxious, on the verge of panicking. It was one of the reasons he was so irritable. He couldn't take much more.

* * *

Evan dozed off and on for hours he guessed, he really had no idea what day it was or what time. He heard someone talking and assumed it was Delirious, there was no one else. Evan sat up in the bed and the more he listened the more distraught the voice was. He tossed the covers back and felt for his door, turning the knob silently and turning his head to listen.

"I just snapped, I dunno." Jonathan said and his voice sounded a bit wet, like he was upset. "No, Luke. He just told me he wanted to be alone and know it's bullshit. He knows I know that it's bullshit."

Evan's grip tightened on the knob.

"No . . . I just want him to get better." Evan heard him sniff and his voice wavered. "I can't sit here and keep watching him do this to himself. He's one of my best friends, you know? This is so fucking hard and I keep thinking that . . ."

Jonathan took a deep breath but he could hold back the heavy sob that rang out. He sat down hard on the edge of the sofa and put his head in his hands and he cried. He cried just as hard as the night he listened to Evan get hit.

He wiped hard at his eyes. "I keep . . . thinking you know . . . that this is my fault and that I should've kept playing that game with you. I should've waited and called him back later. Maybe then he would've seen it coming, or maybe he would've been driving faster or slower or . . . something. Maybe he'd be fine."

Evan felt his fingers trembling and the tears pooled at his eyes as he listened to Delirious breaking down.

"I know it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done. But I wouldn't be mad if he blamed me for it. All I've ever done is fuck him over and I just want him back to the way he was. I'd give anything."

Evan felt like his lungs were caving in. He let his door close quietly and he crawled back beneath his sheets and bit back fresh tears, feeling like a complete asshole for pushing Delirious away. All he was trying to do was help and Evan needed it. Maybe it was time he accepted it even it went against everything he'd ever known.

* * *

Jonathan had fallen into a restless sleep, his head was pounding from crying so hard earlier. Luke had talked him about his guilt and told him he was an idiot. As usual. It didn't make him feel any better about anything. So he said goodbye and pulled the cover over himself and got comfortable on the couch. But he could stay under for long, his mind was filled to the brim with the apologies he could give Evan. For yelling, for answering his phone call that night, for being a distant friend.

Lightening flashed just outside the window, followed by a monstrous crack of thunder that shook the house. He felt it deep in his chest and for a moment it relaxed him, the sound of the storm drawing near, the rain slowly coming down. But the second roll of thunder was accompanied by a commotion upstairs and a frantic yell that had Jonathan running up the stairs in the dark.

"Evan?" Jonathan opened his door and found his covers halfway off the bed, his side table knocked over, and Evan was nowhere to be seen. Until another flash of lightening lit up the room and he caught sight of a tan figure with his knees pulled against his chest in the corner of the room as far from the window as he could get.

"Evan . . ." Jonathan moved toward him and his empty eyes and he heard him crying.

"I don't want be be alone, Delirious. I'm such a fucking liar." He shook and Jonathan could hear the terrified tremble in his voice.

"It's alright, you're not alone. And yes, you are the worst liar I've ever known." He laughed and Evan gave a small one until the thunder shook them again.

"I'm not scared of storms. I never have been. But it sounded just like thunder when I was hit and now every time I hear it . . . it takes my fucking breath away and I feel like I'm hanging there upside down in my car again and you're screaming my name." Evan curled his toes in and sobbed into his arms. "Over and over and . . ."

Jonathan sank to his knees in front of him. "Come here, man."

Evan didn't hesitate and moved toward him, grabbing at the shirt on his chest and sinking against him where he cried. He cried until he couldn't breathe and Jonathan was pulling his shirt off, wiping at his face with the soft cotton.

"I'm sorry." Evan said against Jonathan's skin that was kind of wet and clammy now from his tears and hot breath.

"Stop. You have nothing to be sorry for. You had every right to yell at me, every right to get angry at all the shit that's happened. And you were right, I don't know what it's like and I don't know how you feel. But I'd like to try and fix you." Jonathan sat back and took his face in his hands as it stormed outside. "So will you please let me try?"

Evan nodded and for the first time in weeks he felt like he was going to be okay. He felt like the blackness wasn't eating him whole.

"Yes." He let his head drop back onto Jonathan's warm chest. "Please."


	4. Chapter 4

It rained all through the night and Evan didn't fight it when Jonathan pulled him off the floor and into his bed. He didn't sleep on him, but Evan curled up beside him, his knees and legs resting against him and his forehead pressed against his shoulder.

He slept soundly when the thunder was just barely a low rumble. But whenever the storm picked back up and the lightening cracked like hammer on stone, Evan would jump out of his skin, shaking and pulling in air like he was being suffocated. Jonathan was always there, wide awake each time waiting to calm him down.

Evan's episodes became less violent the more he woke up to Jonathan's hands on him, reassuring him that he wasn't upside down in his car listening to him scream his name. He would hush him, pull him against his chest while he bit back tears, and run his hands over his back until he fell asleep again.

Eventually Evan stopped moving away and let his arm wrap around Jonathan's waist and anytime he woke up he'd grip him tighter to remind himself that he wasn't alone and that Jonathan was really there. Evan still couldn't wrap his head around it. He couldn't comprehend that he was hugging Delirious close in his own bed. He couldn't get past the frustration of wanting to see him and not just hear him. The wait was eating him alive.

* * *

Jonathan's plan to pull Evan out and to the park was shot down by the weather and it rained for the next day. Instead he settled for making Evan sit outside on the porch with him and enjoy the wind and the smell of the rain as it came down endlessly.

"Is it weird that rain is one of my favorite smells?" Jonathan asked and Evan shook his head from where he was laid back in his chair, a foot propped up on the patio table.

He took a deep breath and said, "No. It's not weird. I like it, too. And fresh cut grass, and gasoline."

"Yeah." Jonathan looked over at him staring off into nothing until he closed his eyes and rest his back. The wind was ruffling his hair and the skin beneath his eyes was red and a bit puffy from wiping tears from his face all night and morning. The thunder had come and gone and now it was a steady shower of heavy rain and the occasional big gust of wind that blew mist onto their exposed skin.

"So, when do I get these things taken off?" Evan held up his arms where his cast were still securely holding his bones together.

"You have an appointment tomorrow. I assume they'll take them off, it's been almost three weeks. Your arms should be alright now. They're gonna do a headscan while we're there and see how your eyes are doing. You know, check if the swelling has decreased."

"Okay." Evan said and went back to listening to the rain and absorbing the aura that Jonathan was giving off beside him.

"Are you hungry?"

"Very." Evan said when his stomach made a noise.

"What do you want?"

"Some hot grilled cheese sandwiches smothered in pizza sauce."

Jonathan groaned, "Jesus, that sounds amazing. Let's go make it, right now."

Evan held his arm out with a grin and let Delirious pull him into the house. The wood floor transitioned into tile as they entered the spacey kitchen and he pushed himself onto the counter and listened to the man work around him.

Pots clanked together, cabinets opened and fell shut, utensils clinked in the drawer. The heat from the stove top settled into his side as Delirious buttered bread and unwrapped cheese slices, the butter sizzling when it was placed into the skillet. The smell was comforting and it made Evan a bit nostalgic.

"My mom used to make us grilled cheese just about every other day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's a wonder I'm not three hundred pounds." Evan said while his feet swung free beneath him.

"Yeah, me too. Mom and my Granny both made us eat like we would starve if we didn't. I was chubby when I was little, but then I hit puberty and shot up like a fucking weed. Sorted that issue out." He giggled to himself and drifted over to the radio. The room filled with music and Evan couldn't see him, but he could feel him. The air shifted with his movement and it painted an unclear image in his head.

Delirious was swaying his hips just slightly as he flipped the sandwich, Evan heard the butter sizzling fresh when he did. He felt him move across the kitchen and pull paper plates out and a jar of sauce that made that odd sucking noise when he opened it. He spun in a circle with the spatula in his hand, singing a few words and he acted just like he'd always pictured he would. Goofy, carefree, outgoing, just . . . Delirious.

Evan felt himself grinning and then he felt eyes on him. "What?"

Jonathan eyed him suspiciously, "What do you mean 'what'?"

"I can feel you looking at me." Evan shrugged.

"Oh." Jonathan said and he snorted. "Sorry. It's still strange having you this close. I can't help but look at you."

Evan smiled at that.

"Come on, let's eat." Jonathan grabbed the food in one hand and waited for Evan. He let him choose whether or not he wanted to be led around. A grin pulled at his lips when Evan slid off the counter and let his fingers find his shoulder. He held on and followed Jonathan back outside onto the porch where they stuffed their faces until they couldn't take another bite.

"Dude."

Jonathan groaned. "I know."

Eventually the rain slacked off and Evan was getting tired of the quiet. "I don't want to stop you from making videos or playing games."

Jonathan shook his head immediately, "Dont worry about that. Luke's taking care of it for me. I've got a ton of backup videos that he's uploading for me every few days. So, for real, don't worry about it."

"Okay."

The silence stretched on and it was starting to get to him. Jonathan could feel the restlessness coming off of him like heat. "What do you want to do?"

Evan rubbed at his useless eyes and shrugged, "Something normal."

"Like what?"

Evan sat forward with his elbows on his knees, "Like . . . watch a show, play a game, read something, play my guitar. Ride my bike."

"You have a bike? I love bikes."

"I have a motorcycle. But, yeah, I've got a bike, too." Evan nodded.

"How come you never told me you had a motorcycle?" Jonathan asked, a little bit shocked. Motorcycles were sexy and the fact that Evan had one was flipping a switch on something that he didn't want turned on.

"Doesn't really matter right now, does it?" Evan said but bit his tongue. "Sorry, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. It was my brother's, but it didn't run right for the longest time. So he just gave it to me, said it suited me better anyhow."

"It does suit you. I never pinned you for a bike guy, but now that I think about it." Jonathan squinted against the sun that escaped from behind the clouds. "Well, considering it'll be wet out here until tomorrow, let's go find something to do inside."

"Like what?"

"Let's build a fort in the living room." Jonathan said and pulled Evan to his feet before he could protest.

The small hint of a smile that stayed on Evan's face while Jonathan ran circles around him was enough to keep him going. He found every blanket and sheet he could get his hands on, except for Evan's bed set. To make it even more epic he found small hooks and screwed them into the high ceiling and strung the fabric up until it looked like a canopy above them.

"This is so awesome." He muttered to himself and confiscated all the pillows and couch cushions and spread them across the floor inside the fort, where he fell down onto them.

Jonathan looked up at Evan as he felt around on his hands and knees until his fingers found his leg, then he plopped down beside him. "It feels awesome in here. Too bad I can't see it."

Jonathan tucked his arms behind his head and looked up at the sheets hanging high above them. "Well, all of your sheets are either white, grey, or purple. There's a blue blanket up there in the mix. They're hanging kind of loose, layered over one another, covering us in a colorful canopy. I found some Christmas lights in your closet and those are hanging in here, too. They're kind of dim, gives it all a soft glow. This is the best fort I've ever made. Not to brag or anything."

"Sounds really cool." Evan grinned with that small sadness ever present in his eyes. Jonathan pulled his phone out and took a picture of the two of them lying there just for the sake of showing it to Evan when he could see again. He didn't want him to miss anything.

"It's amazing." Jonathan sat up and looked down at him, "We're gonna play a game."

"A game?"

"Yeah, sit tight." He said and jumped up, running around the house, grabbing various objects with texture and character before he settled on the fort cushions once again. "I'm going to give you something and I want you to tell me what you think it is."

Evan nodded and held his hand out, feeling the object that Delirious put in it, trying to imagine it in his mind as he ran his fingers over it. He grinned, "This is that little Luigi figurine you sent me forever ago."

"Ding ding ding!" Jonathan smiled and gave him the next object that Evan made a gross face at as he squished it around in his hands.

"Um . . . what the fuck is this?" He laughed and then it dawned on him. "An ice pack! It's an ice pack. Right?"

"Yes! Okay next one."

For the next hour they sat there in their fort, laughing at the things Jonathan was handing him; tiny miscellaneous objects that Evan forgot he even owned, things that made him smile, things that made him feel better.

And it wasn't until he had gotten really comfortable and sleepy on the cushions, listening to Delirious laugh while he watched Step Brothers, that he truly appreciated what he was trying to do. If he wasn't there beside him, taking his mind off of the darkness he was covered in, he didn't know how he would be handling it. He'd probably be calling his ex, begging her to come help because he didn't have anyone else or he would just be laying around, rotting away.

"Hahaha! This is my favorite part." Delirious giggled at the television and Evan listened. He knew exactly what part it was and he could see it in his head.

 _"Hey Derek, you know what's always good for shoulder pain?"_

Evan busted out laughing and he said it in sync with Delirious, along with the movie. "If you lick my butthole!"

They rolled on the floor, laughing until Delirious was crying and Evan couldn't breathe. He clutched at his stomach and when he opened his eyes, for a split second he thought he would be able see and it hit him hard. It knocked him back down into that terrible place he'd always been. Reality sunk in and he felt short of breath.

"Evan." He heard his name falling from Delirious' lips as he stood and stumbled out of the fort, out of the living room, past the kitchen. But before he could reach the stairs there were firm hands wrapping around his middle. "Evan, don't."

He spun in his arms and tried to push him away but Delirious gripped him tighter and moved until Evan felt his back against the wall. "I can't fucking breathe!"

"Then let it out!"

Evan choked on an involuntary sob and the panic boiled to a head and he pushed out a heavy breath before it came back in even faster. The anxiety gripped his lungs and pulled in air and expelled it at whatever speed it wanted. His heart tried to keep up. "I can't . . ."

"It's okay." Jonathan said in his ear and Evan knew he would be sliding down to the floor if the man wasn't there holding him up against the wall. "Relax."

Evan tried, letting his nerves unclench while his breathing slowly started to even itself out. Once it was over, he felt his entire body go limp, but Delirious held him there even when he started crying profusely onto his shoulder probably soaking his shirt that always felt like it fit him really well.

"Do you want to be alone?" Delirious asked softly and Evan found himself nodding against the side of his face.

"Just for a little while." He mumbled and tried not to let his knees buckle when Delirious stepped back. He handed him a dish rag that he wiped at his face and nose with before he let the man lead him up the stairs by the arm. He crawled into his bed and felt Jonathan's presence still standing at the door. "I'm okay. I just forgot I was blind for a second while we were laughing and when I opened my eyes I was expecting to see you next to me and I just . . . freaked out. I'm still scared that I'll never see again."

"You will." Delirious said and Evan heard the resolve in his voice. He believed it and that gave Evan something to hold onto.

"I'll be manning the fort if you need me." He said and Evan listened to him walk back down the stairs, he felt his light and his warmth fade the further away he got. It was such an odd feeling, like he was being drained. But he ignored it and rolled over until he dozed off into a restless dream that he almost thought was real.

* * *

He dreamed he was walking down a dark and empty road, covered in thick fog. The air was heavy and he saw a figure standing in the glow of a street light. The closer he got to them, the warmer he felt. Their face was hidden beneath the shadow of a hood, but he saw a white smile when he finally approached.

"Hi."

He recognized the voice immediately; Delirious.

"What are you doing here?" Evan asked, his voice echoed around him.

The man shrugged, "Just trying to help you. But I'm not sure you want me to. You're always pushing me away. I thought we were better than that."

Evan felt the dread running up the back of his neck when Delirious started moving backwards away from him into the thick fog. "We are. We're better than that!"

Delirious stopped in his tracks, "Do you need me? Or am I just wasting my time on someone who doesn't even want to live?"

Evan couldn't get the words to come out of his mouth nor his legs to move when Delirious started to fade until he disappeared completely, taking the light with him.

Evan was alone.

He was in the dark.

* * *

When he woke, he was alone and in the dark and he his feet were swinging off the bed and onto the cold wood floor. He stepped out of his room and carefully down the stairs until he almost tripped on the pillows and cushions littering the floor. He felt Delirious' light before he was even in the fort. He got to his hands and knees and crawled inside feeling for the warmth that he knew was there.

Delirious was lying on his side shirtless, in his briefs and he sounded half asleep and confused when Evan lifted one of his arms up to crawl beneath it. But once he assessed the situation he stretched his arm out and slid it beneath Evan's head, pulling him closer with his other.

Jonathan settled once again and Evan fell asleep with his head tucked against his chest and Jonathan's gentle hand resting on his waist. And when he woke he wasn't alone. There was a warm light swallowing him whole even though the only color he could see was black.

* * *

Delirious cooked them breakfast and told him the most ridiculous stories about his life as he licked the bacon grease from his fingers. Evan's ears were filled to the brim with his bubbly laughter and he could feel him looking at him when it faded into that signature soft hum.

"You're looking at me."

"How?! How do you know every fucking time?" Delirious exclaimed and let his hands lift into the air dramatically.

Evan laughed at him, "Your hands are in the air."

"Are you sure you can't see? Because now you're just freaking me out."

"I'm pretty positive I can't see." Evan grinned and looked straight ahead while he ate another piece of bacon. "I can feel you."

"You can feel me?"

"Yeah, it's hard to explain. But if we played hide and seek, I bet I could find you every single time." Evan said matter-of-factly and wasn't surprised when Delirious made him shake on it, then disappeared without a sound.

Evan pushed his plate away and let his fingers and memory guide him through the house until he caught a faint feeling, like he was being watched. He followed it up the stairs until he could finally feel the warm familiar light beckoning him to the closet at the end of the hall that had slats. It was perfect for peeking out of and the disbelief was clear in Delirious' voice when Evan opened the door with a smug grin.

"No way. No fucking way. Cover your ears and count to twenty this time." He said and tiptoed away again.

It took even less time for Evan to find him hiding in the downstairs bathroom. He was standing in the bathtub with his arms crossed and as soon as Evan pulled the curtain back he said, "Explain."

So Evan tried the best he could.

"I can't see you, but I feel you. I can see this light in my mind. It's really faint, but it's warm." He tapped his finger against his leg as they sat on his bed. "It's kind of like the light, early in the morning when the sun hasn't quite come up yet. It's pale blue and yellow and it's really comforting and I see it when you're near. Well, I don't really see it, I feel it. That's what you feel like. You have this aura that you project and it's the only thing I feel in the dark." Evan finished and Delirious was quiet.

"I'm sorry if that weirds you out."

"No. It's um . . . pretty cool, actually." Jonathan gave a small laugh and rubbed at the back of his neck. "If you had a color, you would be purple. But like, kind of red. Reddish purple. You're really passionate with everything you do and that's what color comes to mind when I think of you."

Evan found himself grinning, "You're like a bubbly, bright, smiling ball of energy and I see blue and yellow. Bluish yellow."

"Cool." Delirious smiled.

"Yeah." Evan ducked his head.

"Come on, you need a shave and a bath before we go to the doctor." Jonathan got off the bed and went into the washroom where he ran a hot bath and found a new razor. Evan followed him in and didn't bother waiting for him to leave before he stripped and slipped into the water. He felt eyes on him but for some reason it didn't bother him.

Evan soaked in the water until he thought he would fall asleep in the bubbles, always resisting the urge to let his arms slip in to join him. He relaxed even more when he felt Delirious pour water over his hair, followed by his soapy hands that rubbed deep circles on his head.

Evan couldn't help but groan a little. "Sorry. That feels so good."

He hummed behind him, "It's fine."

Then his fingers slid down to his shoulders where they dug in and rubbed. Evan's head hit the edge of the tub and his sighed. "Dude."

"Yeah?"

"Dude." Evan repeated and Delirious laughed.

"See? Isn't it nice to be taken care of?" Jonathan asked. "I bet you've never had a massage your entire life."

"It's so fucking nice and no, I haven't." Evan said and pulled in a breath when his fingers went lower down his back, pressing against tense muscle he didn't know he had.

"Well you deserve it and I'm more than happy to give it to you." Jonathan's voice went soft and sincere.

Evan thought about his words for a moment and wondered what they meant. Did he mean that he was willing to give him heavenly massages everyday, because Evan would gladly accept. Or did he mean something more than that? Evan didn't ask, he couldn't, because he really wanted it to mean something more than just back rubs. He liked being taken care of. He liked his hands on him, keeping him anchored to the earth and his head level while he stumbled around in the dark. He liked him being here. He liked the warmth he gave off.

He liked Delirious.

"Thank you." He said and shivered when his fingers left him. The thought was still heavy on his mind and that was where it stayed as Delirious washed his face for him and let him soak awhile before he got out and wrapped his towel around his waist. Then his light was there, pushing himself onto the counter by the sink. He reached out and pulled him closer, until Evan's hips were pressing into the marble and Jonathan's legs were on either side of him.

Jonathan tilted Evan's head up by his chin and rubbed a bit of shaving cream over his skin, then he reached for the razor by his side. "Now, I have a sharp object in my hand. So, be still."

Evan's skin stretched as he tried not to smile, "You with sharp objects is never a good thing."

"But, you trust me right?"

"I have no idea why, but yes, I do." He grinned and felt the man's light glow a bit brighter. His fingers gripped his face and he let the razor glide smoothly over his jawline and beneath his chin. He took extra care around his lips and after he'd finished and wiped the excess off he ran his hands over his smooth skin, making sure he hadn't missed a spot. Jonathan let his fingers linger longer than he wanted them to and pulled them away.

"You're good to go, man." He said but Evan was still standing there with his hands pressed flat against the counter on either side of him. Jonathan could feel his breath ghosting across his chest and he felt the heat run through him. Evan pulled back, but didn't step away. He tried to look where he thought Delirious' eyes would be and he watched his color turn a brilliant mixture of blue and pink.

"Don't move." Jonathan said and Evan waited. He shuffled over on the marble and Evan felt his warmth seeping into him. "You're looking right at me."

The emotions washed over him like a wave and he huffed a laugh when he felt the tears that had pooled wet his face, "I'm so fucking scared that I'll never really get to."

"You will, Evan." Delirious slipped off the counter and wiped at the wetness on his cheeks. "Now, get dressed. We don't want to be late."

* * *

"Melanie!"

"Jonathan!" The tiny blonde bounded his way and he wrapped her up in a hug when she reached him. "How is everything? How's he doing?"

He let her go and sat back in his chair in the waiting room. She took a seat beside him. "He's doing a lot better than he was. I had to fight him for a whole week after he got up and moving, but he's coming around. They're taking his casts off now, he's been bitching about them forever. So, that's one less thing I'll have to hear him gripe about."

She smiled, "That's so good to hear. Does he have trouble sleeping or anything like that?"

The grin faded from his face and he knew she saw it, probably felt his mood darken along with it. "Yeah, he . . . uh kind of freaked out when it stormed the other night. I found him crying in the corner of his room. He told me every time it thundered it sounded like his car getting hit that night. He kept feeling like he was hanging upside down listening to me screaming his name and I . . ."

He paused when his voice caught. "And I had to stay there with him until it stopped thundering. He woke up every time, out of breath, scared, and all I could do was hold him, you know?"

She let her small hand rest on his shoulder and they both jumped when her pager went off between them. "Shit. I'm sorry, I've got to go. We got a new patient who thinks he's stuck inside the Planet of the Apes universe and we're all out to get him. He needs to be in the psyche ward, but until then I'm his nurse. Lucky me."

He stood with her and she stood on her toes to kiss his cheek, "I'm glad he's getting better. You're going a good job, Jonathan. Keep it up, stay with him, and hold him every night if that's what it takes. Like I said before, give me a call if you need anything."

"I will, thank you. I'll see you around, Melanie." He waved her off and she turned at the next corner, breaking into a jog.

He sank back into his chair where he waited for another twenty minutes before Evan came out of the room he'd been in for the past forty-five minutes. The nurse led him into the waiting area and he brushed her off, insisting he was fine on his own. Jonathan watched with a smile on his face as Evan walked directly toward him with cast-less arms, free from the hard white constricting material.

"Dude, I feel like a new man." Evan said when he got close. He smiled and ran his hands up his bare arms.

"You look like it." Jonathan chuckled. "Better?"

Evan sighed, "You have no idea. So, where to now?"

"Now, we go get that fat head of yours scanned." He giggled and dodge Evan's hand when he swatted at him. "Come on."

Evan grabbed his arm and followed him to the elevator and out onto another floor where they walked left and right so many times that Evan felt a bit dizzy. It wasn't until he listened to Jonathan talking to the nurse that he started to feel nervous. What if his eyes weren't any better? What if he was going to have to have surgery? What if he had to quit YouTube? What if he had to quit everything?

"Evan. They're ready for you." He heard Delirious say and when he felt the nurse's hand on his arm guiding him away he stopped and reached for the light that always made him feel like he wasn't drowning in the dark or hanging upside down.

"Can he come?"

Jonathan was jarred by the pure pleading in Evan's eyes as he reached back for him. He glanced at the nurse with a raised brow, waiting for an answer and he stepped forward when she nodded. He reached for Evan's outstretched hand and their fingers threaded together. It made something heavy settle in his chest and it put a lump in his throat.

"I can't come in the MRI room with you, but I'll be just outside the door, I promise." He said and Evan squeezed his fingers.

"I know." Evan let him go and turned inside the room, following the woman.

* * *

The wait was excruciating and he felt a small hand on his shoulder after thirty more minutes of pacing. He turned to find another nurse grinning up at him. Why was everyone so short around here?

"So? How is he?"

She handed him the paperwork and smiled, "Good news. He doesn't need surgery."


	5. Chapter 5

Jonathan wanted to feel relieved, and he did, but there was something that didn't feel quite right about it.

"You say that like there's bad news, too." He cracked his fingers and shifted on his feet.

She grinned at his antsy demeanor, "The only bad thing is that now it's just a waiting game. He won't be able to see until his body is ready to. He's still healing. He could wake up tomorrow and see just fine or it could be another week, a month, we don't know. It could be sudden or it could be gradual."

"So the nerves in his eyes are okay?" He asked, finally relaxing a bit when she nodded. He let out a breath, "Thank you."

He didn't care if it took another month or a year before Evan could see. He was just happy that he didn't need to have a surgery that risked him being in the dark forever. Jonathan knew Evan wouldn't be able to live with it and Jonathan wouldn't be able to deal with him trying to end it. Evan wouldn't be able to do anything. YouTube would be a thing of the past for him, he was probably losing some of his income as it was from lack of inactivity, but Jonathan had a plan for that.

He looked up to see Melanie waving at him at the end of the hall but his train of thought was derailed when Evan came out of the room and immediately reached for him, pulling him into a hug. It meant something and Jonathan was squeezing him back just as hard.

"I'm gonna be okay." Evan mumbled against his shoulder and Jonathan fought against the tears that threatened.

"I told you so, didn't I?"

Evan laughed and it was so warm and real that Jonathan wanted to hold onto that sound for just a little while longer.

"Yeah, you did." Evan nodded and breathed him in. His fingers involuntarily squeezed him harder, "I can't wait to see you. It's killing me, man."

Jonathan laughed and soaked up the warmth he only got to imagine through a screen. He really couldn't get enough. "It's killing me, too. Especially when you're looking right at me without even knowing it. It's the most insane feeling."

He felt Evan swallow before he pulled away with a smile, "Am I looking at you now?"

"Almost." Jonathan stepped to the right. "Look to the left just a bit. There. Now you are."

The feeling ran through his body like it had been for the past few weeks whenever Evan accidentally caught his eye. He knew it wasn't real but whenever it happened he always pictured what his reaction was going to be when he finally got to see him and it made his heart pound in his chest each time. It was a moment he had always thought about, the moment Evan would lay eyes on him for the first time. He was caught in his thoughts and fell even deeper when Evan started to smile, his empty eyes still on his and he said, "Hi."

"That's so not cool." Jonathan muttered and Evan ducked his head.

"Sorry. You wanna get some food and head home?" Evan suggested and Jonathan took him by the arm and led him out, forgetting completely about the small blonde who was watching them intently with a knowing grin before she turned and left.

* * *

Evan's mood changed dramatically and he even went so far as to ask Jonathan to call the guys so he could talk to them personally.

While he talked, Jonathan was putting labels on everything be could find so Evan didn't have to wait for Jonathan to tell him what was tea and what wasn't.

Evan was in heaven when he took his first shower in weeks and he felt for the shampoo feeling an 'S' on top of it and a 'P' on the soap. Jonathan had labelled it like salt and pepper for him. He laughed.

He came out of the bathroom and felt for the clothes that were always laid out for him and dressed himself. Then he waited at the top of the stairs for the arm that always slid around him and took him to the bottom.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Evan could hear the grin in his voice and very suddenly he blurted out, "Let's play something."

"Like what?"

Evan shrugged, "GTA. I can try to drive somewhere but you have to direct me. Kind of like that time we rode the motorcycle together on there and we had to guide each other. Record it and post it to your channel. It'll give you something to do and I'm sure everyone is waiting for some new content anyway."

"Alright, sounds fun." Jonathan led him to their fort in the living room and hooked up the console to the tv and the tv up to the laptop. Without Evan's knowledge, he set his phone up on the entertainment center. He started the game up and got Evan's character into a car and set a way-point before handing him the controller.

"This is weird." Evan grinned and hit the gas.

"Left a bit. Hard right! Slow down, okay go, go, go! Evan, the train!"

Jonathan had never laughed so hard and so long in his life. Evan had a permanent smile on his face the entire time Jonathan rolled on the cushions beside him, slapping him on the arm as he snorted and giggled. Despite seeing nothing but black he was having a good time, soaking in the warmth sitting beside him, glowing less yellow and more blue in the dark.

"Oh man, that was so fucking epic." Jonathan wiped at his eyes as Evan stretched his arms and rolled his neck.

"Felt nice to hold a controller again." Evan grinned at the floor. "We should keep doing this, but with other games. I think it'd be good for your channel."

"Why are you so worried about my channel? You're the one that's inactive right now. You need this. Not just for your YouTube, but for you. It's good to hear you laugh."

Evan shook his head, "Don't bother with my channel. I can hold off a little longer until I can see again. I can make it work."

But Jonathan had already made sure Evan's channel wouldn't suffer from his accident and he would keep it up for as long as he had to. It didn't matter if he had given up the one thing that made him so interesting. He gave it up for Evan and it was a decision he wouldn't take back nor would he ever regret it.

* * *

The next few days passed by without too many incidents. At least none that couldn't be fixed. Evan pulled a plate out if the cabinet one day and a glass came tumbling down with it, shattering into tiny pieces across the floor.

"Fuck!"

"Don't move. Just stay where you are." Jonathan instructed him calmly and slipped his shoes on and grabbed the broom. He swept around Evan's bare feet and dumped the pile of glass shards in the trash.

"I might've missed some tiny ones. Hop on my back and I'll get you out of the kitchen, then I'll sweep again."

Evan sighed, aggravated with himself again. "I'm sorry."

"I'll slap you if you keep saying you're sorry." Jonathan stepped in front of him. "Now, get up here."

Evan touched, feeling for his shoulders and learned that he was shirtless. It was the first time he soaked in the information his fingers were relaying back to his brain. Delirious was hard, but soft. Hard lean muscle beneath soft smooth skin. His shoulders were somewhat broad and his waist was small judging by how easy his legs wrapped around him when he hoisted himself up. Delirious held his legs and showed no sign of struggle or exhaustion from carrying his heavy body. He was strong.

Evan breathed in and he got a lungful of faint spice, like pine needles and subtle cologne. It smelled nice. Delirious smelled nice. His hair was soft against the side of his face and he felt every muscle of his back when he slid down, letting his feet touch the floor once more.

"Thanks."

"Yep." He said and his sound ventured back to the kitchen where he swept twice more before letting Evan anywhere near it again.

* * *

Then one night as they were listening to music while they rocked back and forth with the gusts of wind that blew the swing on the back porch, something happened that sent Jonathan into a fit.

It was so nice out and Evan wanted to sit outside for a while. So there they were, relaxing, enjoying the sounds of trees swaying back and forth as the sun dropped.

Evan could feel the light on his face, warm and comforting and all he wanted was to see it. "What does it look like?"

Jonathan glanced over at him sitting there looking out at the sky with such reverence. Like he could feel the world turning, making life go on while he sat alone in the dark. It was heartbreaking to see the yearning in his brown eyes.

"It's beautiful." He said, his voice barely above a whisper. "The trees are bending and the sky is almost cloudless. But there are some just on the horizon, turning a bright shade of pink, purple now. It's like the days when I was little and I could feel the day ending, running through the woods, finding really cool rocks and filling my backpack with useless things. It's hard to feel that anymore, but sitting and watching the day fade away is always a nice reminder."

Evan knew that feeling, getting lost in the trees with his brother until the blue above began to fade and made everything feel more dangerous. More adventurous. Nowadays it meant nothing, just another day come and gone. He'd always thought he'd feel that adventure again when he met the right person. That person he could escape with, be himself with, and never have to give up anything in an effort to keep them close. He didn't want the relationship to be a fucking struggle every time. He just wanted to be happy and overwhelmed by their presence each time they walked in the room. He wanted someone that made his chest hurt and his heart ache. Someone that made him lose his mind.

"The sky is bright orange now and there's a huge flock of birds that just came out if the trees. They look like ants running across the sky." Delirious said and the small hum he let loose at the end of his sentence made him glow so blue that Evan sighed. The color wrapped around him and it was stunning how good it felt, like warm breath running down his neck.

He felt dizzy.

"The sun's gone. The sky's a deep orange now, fading into blue. Another day done." Jonathan said and he looked over when the color red appeared in his peripherals, his heart jolting at the sight of blood pouring down Evan's chest. The color soaked his white shirt and Jonathan couldn't breathe.

"Holy . . . Evan!" He jumped up and pulled his own shirt off holding it to Evan's nose that was continuously gushing deep red. The smell of copper filled his head and he shook away the memory that tried to surface.

"Your nose is bleeding. A lot. Okay. Shit." Jonathan tried to quell the panic rising in his voice.

"I'm okay, Delirious. Just really light headed." Evan said and tried to sit up but Jonathan pushed him back down.

He grabbed for his phone and dialed, putting it against his ear as he listened to it ring.

"Melanie! He's fucking dying through his nose! Like a waterfall coming out if his face! Is this normal?!" Delirious yelled frantically into the phone when the blonde picked up.

"Okay, calm down. Nosebleeds are perfectly normal for someone recovering from a concussion. It's nothing to worry about. Just let it run its coarse, clean him up, then let him rest." She said and listened to him let out a breath of relief.

"I said I was fine, you idiot." She heard the other man say and laughed.

"Jonathan, he's okay. Nosebleeds will happen. So don't freak out if it happens again." Melanie reassured him.

"Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry if I interrupted anything. I'll talk to you later, I gotta clean him up. Looks like someone gave birth out here or something." He said and hung up, pulling Evan up by his arms and guiding him into the house.

His shirt that Evan still had pressed to his face was no longer blue, but dark red and completely soaked through. The smell was driving Jonathan mad and it was triggering that feeling he thought he'd suppressed long ago.

"Let's get upstairs." He said, taking Evan's hand, pulling him up through his room into the washroom where he grabbed the shirt and let it fall in the sink. The smell was so strong he had to breathe through his mouth for a minute while he let the shower get warm. He shut his eyes tight.

"Are you okay?" Evan asked, his voice echoing slightly in the cold white room.

"Yeah. Fine." He lied and opened his eyes. Evan was covered in blood, like he'd been fighting a fucking bear, or shoved against a wall with a knife to his throat -

"Shit." Jonathan cut off his train of thought.

"Hey -"

Evan reached for him and Delirious caught his hand, "I'm fine, Evan. Really."

"Now look at who's the bad liar." Evan said.

Jonathan shrugged it off. "Just shut up and take your clothes off."

"Not even gonna buy me dinner first, I see how it is." Evan joked and pulled the ruined white shirt over his head. Jonathan watched him unbutton his jeans and push everything down in one go, stepping out of them and kicking them aside.

"You're hilarious." Jonathan tore his eyes away as Evan stepped into the shower. The glass was foggy but he could still see him leaning against the wall for support. Jonathan bit his tongue and pulled his own clothes off, making his way over to the glass door that Evan obviously wasn't expecting to open.

"What are you doing?"

"You're still dizzy, I can tell. I don't trust you in here by yourself." He said smoothly, attempting to keep his eyes off his body but it wasn't working in the slightest. Evan was . . . attractive. But he'd come to that conclusion a long time ago ever since he first showed his face. He never let himself longer on it for too long. That was a story that would never begin. "Let me help you?"

Evan nodded and swayed on his feet when everything felt it was moving again. Delirious took him slowly led him backwards until his back came to rest against the wall. He wiped at the blood that had dried on his face, his fingers running down the drip lines to his neck, nails ghosting over his apple.

Evan swallowed past the heat that was clouding his thoughts. Jonathan's color was so vibrant now. But he was projecting something very heavy, holding back something even heavier. It was kind of hard to breathe. His fingers were kind, gentle as he wiped his skin clean and he could picture the blood swirling in circles as it drifted in the water around their feet.

He heard Delirious sigh and he felt a wave a guilt roll off of him. Evan didn't like the way it made him feel and he started to feel the way he did the night he'd listened to Delirious crying downstairs, choking on sobs.

"What's wrong?" Delirious stilled his hands and Evan didn't realize his eyes were watering until he blinked.

He sucked in the hot air and let it go, "I don't blame you, Jonathan."

Evan watched his deep grey color slowly fade back to blue as his fingers fell away from his skin. He felt his eyes on him and he could picture the water dripping from the tip of his nose. Evan then realized it was the first time he had ever called him by his given name.

"I never blamed you."

A small breath passed Jonathan's lips and Evan felt it on the side if his face. "I'm sorry I ever thought you did."

The cloud above Jonathan's head disappeared completely and he felt like he should once again. Evan relaxed. "It's okay."

The air between them remained normal and Evan was grinning when he asked, "Will you wash my hair?"

"God, I knew I spoiled you." Jonathan said and let a laugh out, reaching for the shampoo none the less.

"Hey, my arms are still kinda weak from lack of use. So, this is a little bit necessary." Evan slouched even more when those fingers slid into his hair.

"Whatever you say." Jonathan said and the humor in his voice put Evan at ease even though they were two grown men standing in a shower together. He felt better and he went to sleep still feeling a bit dizzy but it was for a completely different reason.

* * *

Jonathan didn't really sleep for the next two days. He stayed up for hours when Evan was asleep so he could make videos in secret and upload them to Evan's channel without his knowledge. The feedback he was getting from it was incredible and the boy's were signal boosting everything he put up.

Evan came down one morning and plopped down beside him in his underwear and said, "Let's go to the park. Grab some snacks from the store and chill out."

Jonathan was more than happy to say yes to the plan. The fact that Evan actually wanted to get out of the house on his own now, was a miracle in itself.

"Sure. Let's go whenever you're ready, Captain Underpants." Jonathan grinned over at him and watched Evan lick his lips, feeling something pull at his gut before he got up and moved away.

Evan was brushing his teeth when he heard a phone ringing downstairs. It was the familiar sound of his video's outro, so he stopped to listen.

"Hey, baby girl." He heard Jonathan greet whoever was on the phone with a smile. "I know I've been gone a while but I'll see you when I come home. I promise, peach."

Evan's stomach dropped.

"Give the phone to your momma. I love you, too. Hey!" Jonathan chuckled. "Hey, Lys. How's life without me?"

Evan felt his legs going numb from standing still, frozen in place. His spit the toothpaste out and felt his fingers shaking around the faucet as he turned the water on. Questions were running through his head at the speed of light making him sick to his stomach.

Did Jonathan have a family? A wife? A kid? Why didn't he say something about it? Why did Evan feel so unsettled about it?

It didn't make sense to him and Jonathan was just as dandy as ever when he helped him down the stairs and into the car. He was as blue and warm and giggly as always while he dragged him around the grocery store for snacks.

Evan laughed at Jonathan laughing at the names of some of the things he'd never seen before. He smiled and carried on with him, but still couldn't shake the feeling he had from overhearing that phone call. He hated that it was eating at him. He hated that he felt disappointed because it was such a selfish thing to feel about someone that wasn't even his.

* * *

"It feels so good out here today. I'm glad you wanted to get out, you homebody." Jonathan joked and Evan gave a quick grin before letting it drop, not thinking about the possibility of Jonathan seeing his indifference. They laid out a blanket and anchored it down with their shoes on each corner before they sat back and relaxed, letting the sun soak into their skin.

Evan couldn't get it off his mind and he let it slip out of his mouth before he could stop it. He bit his tongue when he said, "Am I keeping you from someone?"

Evan felt Jonathan's eyes on him and he tried to determine his mood by what color was coming off of him. To his surprise he was just as blue as he pictured the sky to be, the warmth of his smile reaching him when he said, "No, you're not keeping me from anybody."

Evan scratched his head, feeling a little stupid and a bit embarrassed as he laid on his back in thought.

"Is that what's wrong with you today? You're worried somebody's waiting for me at home?" Jonathan pried and Evan rubbed his eyes feeling worse about the entire situation now.

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

A hand slapped him on the head, "Don't say the 's' word."

"Sor-" Evan began but cut it short and laughed instead.

"So, where did that come from?" Jonathan picked at his fingers in the sun while a breeze rolled by.

Evan shrugged, "I heard you on the phone this morning. It just sounded like . . . I don't know."

"Oh. No, that was my sister and my niece. They stop by my house once a week to hang out and my niece called because she's pissed I'm not there to let her play my games. She's so sassy, it's great."

Evan smiled, feeling a bit disturbed at how relieved he was. "She probably gets it from you."

"Yeah, probably." He giggled and opened the pack of Oreos in his lap, tearing open his milk carton and dunking one in.

"First one's mine!" Evan said and opened his mouth, humming around the soggy cookie when Jonathan placed it carefully in his mouth. After he swallowed it down, he sat up and shrugged out of his light jacket, breathing in the late spring air.

"So, tell me something about you."

Jonathan stopped short of dunking another cookie in, "Such as?"

"Anything." Evan grinned. "Like, what do you look like?"

Jonathan ducked his head before he remembered that Evan couldn't see it anyway. "I've never had to explain to anyone what I look like. So, I seriously doubt I can do it now."

Evan cocked his head to the side in thought. "Can I feel you, then? That way you don't have to try to paint me a picture."

Jonathan closed up his milk and crawled his way, sitting in front of him cross legged feeling slightly self conscious about the idea of Evan's hands on him. But the feeling passed when he saw Evan hesitate. Jonathan grabbed his hands in his and lifted them to his face where he let them stay for a moment.

Evan's face went blank with concentration, fading into something softer and indescribable the longer he let his fingers slide over his face. They ghosted over his cheek bones, tracing lines over the edge of his ears.

"That tickles." He said, his mouth pulling into a smile, his heart hammering as Evan's fingertips came to rest on his lips. His right hand shifted and it was terrible, the ache in Jonathan's chest, the way Evan's fingers, as if on instinct, moved to cup his jaw. His thumb came to rest on the pout of his lip as Jonathan's smile faded.

"You feel . . . nice." Evan tried to make their eyes meet and he didn't know that he was succeeding.

Jonathan could feel the heartbeat in his face. He could feel Evan etching something permanent into his skin with every stroke of his finger and a strong shiver ran down his body when Evan found the scar on the left side of his jaw. He swallowed as he followed it all the way down to his neck.

"You have a scar."

He nodded against his fingers. "I do."

"What from?"

His head shook slightly against his will and Evan lifted it back up when he tried to let it drop. He felt ashamed for some reason, for having such an ugly reminder of that haunting night on his skin.

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me." The Asian stared into him with warm eyes. "What else do you have that I can't see?"

Jonathan inhaled, trying to get past the memory that had almost surfaced. He appreciated Evan changing the subject as fast as he did. "My ears are pierced."

Evan proceeded to touch the studs in his ears before he let his hands run through his hair.

"What color is your hair?"

"Dark brown."

"And your eyes?"

Jonathan shook his head and said, "I'll let you tell me."

Evan grinned, "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say they're blue."

"I guess you'll just have to wait and find out." Jonathan licked his lips and his eyes caught sight of a figure that had ventured off its original path upon seeing the two of them sitting there. He recognized her even though he'd only seen pictures.

"Um, just to let you know why I'm about to get up and run, your ex is closing in fast and I'd rather avoid this conversation so I'll be back whenever she leaves. Bye!" Jonathan said in a hurried voice and all Evan could do was listen to him jump up and walk away towards the restrooms at an abnormally fast speed. Then he heard her coming up beside him. He cocked his head to the side.

"Evan?"

"Avery."

"Hi, how are you doing?" Avery asked in her tiny voice and if Evan knew her at all, she was probably wearing an off-white beanie and a grey jacket with the sleeves rolled up. She took a seat beside him.

"I'm okay. Blind at the moment, but okay."

"Yeah, I heard about the accident not too long ago. I considered coming over to see if you needed help, but I knew you wouldn't want me to." She said and he could practically see her brows scrunching together with concern.

"It's fine, thank you though. I appreciate the thought, but I have a friend staying with me already. He's looking after me." Evan said and glanced around, trying to find that light in the dark and he spotted it far away, faint but there. Watching and waiting. He wished he would come back, but he understood that Jonathan didn't want to risk her recognizing his voice and possibly exposing him for who he was. Or maybe be just didn't want to speak to her, period. Evan knew he didn't like her, but he never knew why.

* * *

Jonathan was chewing the inside of his cheek, his face still tingling from Evan's touch, the butterflies still turning circles in his belly as he watched Avery chatting with Evan.

At first he felt the sting of jealousy when he grinned at her, but it was chased away each time Evan's gaze flickered in his direction.

Then, a look crossed Evan's face that he couldn't place.

* * *

"Avery, I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy."

He could feel her smile. "It's okay, Ev. Some people just aren't meant to be together. It's not that you didn't make me happy, I just knew that who you were as a person was clashing with who I was and I think that when two people know that they're going in two different directions, it's best not to draw it out."

He knew he liked her for a reason back then. She was smart and kind, but she needed someone to depend on and he thought he was the one that was supposed to take care of her. But he was wrong. He never was good at taking care of anyone, his brother was plenty proof of that.

Jonathan's light started moving closer and he felt his existence washing over him again, his light that he depended on. Evan realized he wasn't supposed to be the caretaker or the one to be dependent on. All along it was _he_ who needed to be taken care of.

And maybe Jonathan was the only one that could. He knew him like the back of his hand now, knew what set him off, what calmed him down, what put his mind at ease long enough for him to fall asleep. He knew what made him laugh, what made him tick.

"Yeah." He smiled back as Jonathan's light drew nearer.

"It was good seeing you and I'm glad you're okay. I'll leave you and Delirious alone for now." She said sweetly but before she could stand he grabbed her by the arm.

"How did you . . . how do you know that's Delirious?" Evan asked, his nerves in a knot all of a sudden.

He felt her confusion and then her realization. "Oh my God, he didn't tell you."

"Tell me what, Avery?"

She took a breath, sounding somewhat giddy. Evan didn't understand until she said, "Okay, he's been posting videos to your channel."

Evan sighed, "I knew it. I told him not to worry about it."

"That's not the only thing, though. The first one he posted, it was just him talking, explaining to everyone why you weren't able to post and he asked for help with boosting your channel's views in the meantime while you got better." She paused and Evan raised an impatient brow. "That video alone has over thirty million views and you've gained a million subscribers, almost two now."

Evan was more confused now, not less and his heart was hammering. "Why? What's so special about that video?"

She gave a small hum of amusement. "He showed his face, Evan. For you. And that is sweetest thing I've ever seen anyone do for someone. Especially since he's so popular for being faceless. He gave that up to make sure you'd be alright and I have to tell you . . . _he is gorgeous_."

Evan just sat there in pure shock as he absorbed the information. He didn't even hear her say goodbye, or see her get up and leave. All he could see was that bright blue warm light walking his way, surrounding him with something he never knew he needed and something he'd grown to want. Something he craved.

A sense of security and comfort and everything he'd been looking for. It just wasn't in the form he had expected.

 _A man._


	6. Chapter 6

"Sooo, how did it go? Did she talk shit? Want me to be mean to her? Because I will, I'll be so mean. I'll tell her that her hair is stupid. Chicks hate that. She'll probably go home and cut it." Jonathan joked when he sat back down on their blanket in the sun. But Evan was zoned out, staring off at nothing.

"Evan." Jonathan snapped his fingers and Evan jumped slightly.

"What, no, sorry." He grinned and shook his head. "She just wanted to see how I was doing."

Jonathan squinted, "Yeah, how _are_ you?"

Evan smiled so wide that it hurt, "I'm . . . really good, actually. Despite being in total darkness."

Jonathan gave that stupidly sweet hum that always followed his giggles and Evan felt it deep inside of him. A place that had never been touched before that moment. "That makes me happy, man. I was scared you'd be an angry mess this whole time."

Evan picked at the hem of his jeans, feeling a certain set of nerves tighten for the first time in a long time. "It's you, you know. I _would_ be a very angry mess if it wasn't for you. So . . . thank you."

"You're very welcome. I'd do it all over again, too." Jonathan cleared his throat and if Evan could've seen his face, he'd imagine him rubbing the back of his head nervously, maybe ducking his head shyly. He could hear the uncertainty in his voice. "You mean a lot to me, Evan. I'll stay up here forever if you need me to."

Jonathan could have punched him in the chest because those words basically did just that and it hurt. His chest hurt and his heart pounded and the urge to cry was stronger than it had ever been. He couldn't remember the last time someone had done anything for him, let alone leave the comfort of their own home just to come take care of him and make sure he was okay.

"I know." He got out and swallowed back everything that was threatening to come out. But he couldn't stop his fingers from reaching for Jonathan's face again and he felt him smile beneath his fingertips, dimples formed in his cheeks and his lips were soft and full. He let his fingers ghost over that scar again, but Jonathan didn't flinch. Evan wet his lips and the image that had formed in his head was stuck in his mind. Dark haired, fair skinned, dimpled cheeks, pierced ears, a smile that stretched for days. Delirious was pretty. He felt pretty . . . and blue. He was warm, warmer than usual.

Evan smiled, "You're blushing."

Jonathan smiled even wider and shook his head, "No."

"I might be blind, but your face is a thousand degrees right now."

"Sorry, I'm just not used to attractive people touching my face." Jonathan gave a small laugh and Evan felt his jaw clench. He pulled his hand away and turned where he was sitting and laid his head in Jonathan's lap, staring up at what would be the sky, but instead it was black. Delirious' hands immediately went to his hair and Evan grinned.

"You know me so well already."

"It's a habit. I like playing with hair." Jonathan ran his fingers through his jet black strands that were softer than should be legal.

"I like having my hair played with. Guilty pleasure." Evan smiled and then relaxed, letting his mind wander as those fingers ran in lines across his head. "What does it look like?"

"Hmm." Jonathan contemplated. "It's very blue and bright. It's pretty clear, but there are a lot of clouds in the distance headed this way with the wind. They don't look dark, but it could rain later. I dunno. It's like a stereotypical day in a park, kids running around, people laying out on blankets, wind blowing, a clear blue sky. It's kind of perfect."

Jonathan painted the scene in his head for him and Evan could see it clear as day. "It is."

* * *

"I want a hamburger. Fat juicy hamburger with extra cheese and a shit ton of fries." Evan groaned and rubbed his stomach as they drove back through town an hour later.

"Jeez, you lard." Jonathan laughed. "No, that sounds fucking amazing. We're getting one."

He searched his GPS for a burger joint and let Evan pick from the list that come up close by. Evan chose and they drove across town to the restaurant, parallel parking in the street and laughing shoulder to shoulder through the front door of the establishment. It was Evan who tried to hide a blush when Jonathan slid into the booth next to him instead of across from him, invading his personal space. But as Evan was quickly learning, he didn't mind how close the man got. He was actually starting to encourage it.

Evan leaned against him, "Just find the best looking burger on there and get me one, please. I want a coke."

"Sir, yes, sir." Jonathan said and laughed when Evan nudged him. It was their first dinner out together and Jonathan was feeling that horrible ache again. The one that engulfed him when he thought about the fact that Evan couldn't see him sitting right next to him, smiling at every word that came out of his gorgeous mouth. He couldn't see all the people looking over at them when they'd burst into laughter while Jonathan recorded him trying to get the straw of his drink into his mouth, failing.

He had always known what he'd felt for the Asian. Ever since the day he did a face reveal all those years ago, Jonathan knew. He hated that he had done this to himself, let his affection for his friend turn into something he'd never get to see a conclusion to let alone a beginning. But, like he'd said, he'd do it all over again. For Evan, he'd walk off the face of the earth if it meant he could have his sight back. If it was only to watch him fall.

Evan's behavior was still changing by the day, that much Delirious could tell. The man didn't wait for a helping hand because he would reach and grab onto him before Jonathan had a chance to even think. Evan also stopped calling him Delirious, instead using 'Jonathan' as freely as he wanted, which was often and cheerfully said. He was like a different person and it send a jolt through his body when he would see him leaning against the railing of the stairs, grinning down in his direction, waiting for him to come help him down.

Eventually he stopped staying in his room for most of the day and began dragging Jonathan outside to enjoy the weather and feel the sun on his face. Jonathan didn't know what had changed his attitude so suddenly, but he liked it. He liked it too much for his own good and he didn't fail to notice the distance growing smaller between them. He had always given Evan his space, always letting the other man choose how close he wanted to sit. Lately that space was practically nonexistent.

* * *

For the past three days Jonathan had been searching relentlessly for someone. He was stalking Evan's personal life on his laptop and found an old instagram picture of his little brother who, if he hadn't known any better, he would've mistaken him for Evan. He then proceeded to stalk everyone else tagged in the photo and wrote their names down. He waited until Evan went to sleep that night and made a phone call.

"Melanie. Hi, how are you?" Jonathan began, "Listen, I've got another favor to ask of you."

"Lay it on me." He heard the amusement in her voice and grinned before he unloaded his favor onto her. It was a big one and it would take time.

* * *

Two days went by, July was getting nearer, and he was having trouble sleeping as usual. He was always awake making more small videos for Evan's channel. Videos that consisted of the two of them on their daily adventures. But everyone loved it, he knew they would. It was the one thing everybody wanted; to see his face and to see them together. The fort was hanging around him languidly, calming him down with dim lights as he finally felt himself falling asleep. He dozed with the same face on his mind, the same eye crinkling smile, and breathless laugh that always caught him off guard.

* * *

Evan's heart jumped to his throat when he sat straight up in his bed. Sweat was beading on his forehead and Jonathan's voice screaming his name echoed in his head until it disappeared. He didn't know what had woke him up, not until he heard a small rumble of thunder in the distance. Something else was thundering up the stairs and he knew what it was. He cracked a grin in the dark.

"Hey." Jonathan said when he entered the room and sat beside him on the soft mattress with messy sheets. "It's about to storm."

"I'm okay. I swea-" Evan stopped and jumped when he saw the lightening flash across his vision. "Oh my god."

He squeezed the sheets in his hands when he saw it again, the thunder following it. "I saw that."

"What?" Jonathan was in disbelief. "No, wait."

Then he rolled over to the side table and pulled out Evan's flashlight. He clicked it on and pointed it into Evan's eyes. "Do you see that?"

Evan felt the tears forming and he nodded excitedly, feeling out of breath. "Yeah."

Jonathan laughed with him and took his face in his hands. It turned into a hug when Evan pulled him closer and tucked his face beneath his chin and cried. Jonathan wiped furiously at his face as his own tears escaped while he held his friend. He pulled him back and looked him in his puffy red eyes. "How strong is the light?"

Evan shook his head but he smiled nonetheless. "It's not strong at all, but I can see it. It's like when you close your eyes in the car and you can see the light flashing behind your eyelids. It's like that, just fainter."

"That's amazing." Jonathan whispered and pressed his forehead against his and they stayed like that for a minute, until Evan had stopped crying. Until the thunder cracked and the rain came down, pelting the house and filling it with a constant rumble. Evan flinched each time it boomed, shaking the floor beneath them. Jonathan stayed with him, pulling him down, wrapping them up in the sheets and letting Evan fit his body against his. His head was heavy but reassuring against his chest and he slept without a fuss.

* * *

Evan woke to a faint light that was mixed with Jonathan's. It surrounded him and for the first time in weeks he felt completely happy. Jonathan moved and curled his arms around him tighter. Evan sighed and relaxed against him, letting his warmth consume him, and it was where he wanted to stay; in his arms. They both slept for a few more hours until Jonathan woke and rubbed at his eyes with an adorable yawn.

Evan grinned, "Good morning."

"Morning." Jonathan grumbled but a moment later he sat up, wide awake. "Did that really happen last night?"

"Yes." Evan laughed rolled onto his back, waving his own hand in front of his face. "I can see light."

Jonathan fell back onto the bed and laughed into the pillow before rolling and flopping his limbs all over Evan, still giggling. "I am so fucking happy right now, dude. Like . . . I don't even know how to describe it."

Evan smiled and wrapped his arm around Jonathan's head in a loose headlock, "I can tell."

"How?" Jonathan mumbled beneath Evan's arm.

"Your color is brighter than normal."

They stayed there for a while, talking about their favorite colors and the way the sun rose and set. They talked about the ocean and the winter winds and the way the cold made you feel like nothing could be worse than the freezing water melting and soaking into your shoes. They talked about them; the first time they spoke. The first message, the first Skype call, the first game they played.

The first time Evan heard him laugh.

That was the first thing that he held onto. The first thing he grew to adore.

* * *

"Hey, guess what day it is?!" Jonathan asked as he bounded into the living room and down into the fort.

"Hump Day?" Evan replied, trying not to sound amused but he couldn't help it. Not when Jonathan was as bright as the sun.

"Nooo. It's Canada Day! So happy Canada Day you hockey-loving, syrup-drinking, apologetic dork." Jonathan giggled and let his head fall onto Evan's shoulder. "I'm just kidding."

Evan grinned, "I know and thanks."

Jonathan sat up, "So, they're doing a thing downtown all weekend. Just community stuff, you know. They'll do fireworks for three nights, so I was thinking we could go each night and see them."

"That sounds fun." Evan beamed and they laid around in the fort for awhile. Jonathan watched some of the guys' videos while Evan listened, laughing at Nogla's panic and Brock's epic puns.

* * *

"So, I've been working on something behind your back." Jonathan mentioned while they ate lunch. Evan's heart immediately set off at a sprint, thinking he was about to confess to showing his face to the world.

"What? Should I be worried?" Evan teased and watched his figure create a hazy blue void in the light in front of him.

"No." Jonathan mused. "You should be excited. Finish eating and I'll show you."

So, Evan finished up his BLTs that he had to admit were the best he'd ever had, then followed Jonathan like a moth to a flame out into the garage.

"Okay, so I've been fixing your motorcycle and I've been doing some extensive googling. I found an old abandoned airstrip not far from here and thought we could take her out for a spin, go as fast as we want with no one around. Then head back into town and catch the fireworks. What do you say?" Jonathan was watching him intently, searching for any sign of reluctance but found none when Evan smiled.

"Yeah, let's do it."

Evan witnessed his color burn brighter, feeling it reach out and take hold of him like it always did. It was so comforting, he could live in it.

"Well, I've already got us some snacks and stuff in a backpack so let's grab our shoes and jackets and go." Jonathan grabbed him by the arm excitedly and Evan never wanted him to stop. He never wanted whatever this was between them to end.

He never wanted Jonathan to stop laughing, that short sweet him reverberating in his chest. He never wanted him to stop looking at him, burning holes into him because he loved that feeling; the tingle that ran down the back of his neck when he felt his stare. He never wanted him to leave. Evan wanted him to stay and keep filling his house and his life with that energy and light that he'd never found with anyone else.

Evan pulled his helmet on over his head as Jonathan wore his little brother's that he had left behind.

"What are you waiting for? Hop on." Jonathan reached out and caught Evan's hand letting him feel his way up and over onto the seat where he fitted himself snugly against his back. His long arms wrapped around his waist after he made sure the backpack was safe over his shoulders and his jacket zipped up.

The bike roared to life and Jonathan felt that wave of arousal rush through him like it always did anytime he heard a motorcycle engine come to life. It thrilled him and turned him on the same time. He revved it, making sure nothing sounded wrong with it before he rolled them out into the street, lifting his feet and hitting the gas.

Evan held him tighter when he made turns and it filled Jonathan up with something he didn't want to give up when the time came for him to leave. And deep down he hated that he had even thought about it, but a part of him didn't want Evan to get better. A part of him wanted to stay here and keep him under his wing, to take care of him. He'd always been good at taking care of people, but one night years ago had turned him against it. He pushed people away and the only social interaction he allowed was his family and Luke.

Until Evan.

With Evan, he'd do anything. Go out of his comfort zone, show his face to the world, and give everything he had. Because Evan was someone who understood, he was someone who meant something to him, someone that listened to his late night rambling nonsense and stupid stories. Evan laughed with him, he was on his level and his level had been unoccupied for years; he being the only tenant.

They reached the airstrip without a hitch and Jonathan stopped to take a picture of the scenery in front of them, then a quick selfie with an oblivious Evan in the background. "We're here. You ready?"

"I'm ready."

Jonathan smirked and hit the gas, their speed climbing, Evan's arms circling around him tighter. He could feel his heart beating through his chest that was resting firmly against him. The wind whipped harshly against them but it felt freeing to just . . . go. He went faster still, as fast as he was comfortable going with Evan wrapped around his middle.

Then he heard him laugh.

It made a smile spread and he went faster, until he felt Evan sit back. He let his arms spread out catching the wind and he laughed until he was high. The sun was a haze in his eyes but he could see it, glowing like it was an faint candle flickering in the distance.

The smile he wore hurt his cheeks, pressing them into the cushion of the helmet. He brought his arms back down when he felt Jonathan about to make a wide turn. He imagined them in Los Santos in GTA at the airport that was home to many of their shenanigans, ones with the guys and quiet a few when it was just the two of them. The runway always stretched out in front of them, seemingly endless; a flat sun-bleached shade of grey until it dropped off into the ocean of California.

Evan finally felt them slowing, coming to a stop minutes later. Jonathan put the kickstand up and got off, taking his helmet off. He reached over and pulled Evan's off as well, placing them on the ground with their pack.

"Scoot up." Was all he said and Evan did it without question, until Jonathan got on behind him.

Evan raised a brow. "What are we -"

Jonathan leaned his body against him and let his heavy hands rest on his waist. He said it in Evan's ear and it send a line of heat somewhere Evan never thought it would go, "It's your turn."

"I . . . um, okay." Evan stuttered and kicked the stand back up, balancing on his toes. "No helmets?"

"No. Feels better this way." Jonathan said and Evan agree completely. He liked it better feeling his long body behind him, wrapping around him like the light. He gave the bike some gas, picking up speed. He liked his face being free to take in the air and the cool sharp wind of the Canadian summer. This was something he'd never done. He'd never rode this bike, never sneaked onto a closed abandoned runway and took it as his own. He had never felt this free or himself with anyone. Never felt so . . . whole.

"Left a bit." Jonathan instructed and Evan leaned a little until the man said, "There. Keep it straight. Hit the gas, go as fast as you want to go."

So he did. He accelerated and Jonathan's hands slipped around him, holding him soft and firm, unknowingly grasping tightly to his soul. He held him like he did those two nights that the rain had come down hard, bringing lightening and the promise of ear-splitting thunder. His arms were like a lifeline and Evan was the one on support. The air cut into his face and he sighed against the wind as it etched away any fears he had of never getting his life together, of never being normal, never finding that person that he connected with on the deepest level. Jonathan's touch wiped away any doubt he had in his mind that he couldn't feel something for a guy. Because that said guy was holding him, keeping him planted in a circle of security, keeping his mind in a state of comfort and at some points, bliss.

"Alright, start slowing down. Count to ten, brake, and then make a wide right." Jonathan's voice rang in his ear.

He was close.

And hot.

Evan started to turn after he braked. Then he felt the man move forward, his entire body laid across his back. He reached for his hand and pulled them further to right, guiding them. He straightened the wheel and his hand fell from Evan's.

"Go!" He yelled and then laughed like a maniac when Evan was pushed back by the inertia as they sped down the runway at top speed. One arm circled around him again and Evan felt himself laughing with him, the adrenaline coursing through his veins like liquid gold. He closed his eyes, letting the dark swallow him whole and the feeling of flying took over his body. He was falling. Faster and faster and faster. Closer. Jonathan pressed his face against the back of his neck and he shivered hard.

"Slower." Jonathan said in a tone that had Evan wondering where it had been the entire time he'd known him. It was disastrous and deep and soothing all at the same time. His fingers moved with the decreasing speed, rising up his sides until he came to a stop when Jonathan told him to. He didn't have words when they got off the bike, just a smile and then he reached for his soft cotton shirt and pulled him into a hug, squeezing him harder than he meant to, but deep down he wanted him even closer. As close as he could get without killing him.

"Thank you." Evan exhaled against his shoulder. "I haven't had that much fun since . . . I don't know. Since my family was still a family."

Jonathan didn't speak, just held him tighter which wasn't possible but he tried. He held him until he realized the sun the was dropping quicker. "Come on, the fireworks are gonna start soon."

Evan nodded against the side of his face and they left the helmets strapped to the motorcycle, deciding to be dangerous but free. Evan got behind him on the bike and they took off back towards town. He buried his face into Jonathan's jacket, which was actually _his_ jacket that Jonathan had scavenged from his closet, but it already smelled like the guy. It smelled like the forest mixed with Christmas. Pine and rain water and a splash of sexy.

And it wasn't until Jonathan had him by the hand and was pulling him through the crowd to an empty picnic table off the beaten path that he acknowledged what he was feeling for his faceless friend. It wasn't until he pulled the blanket from their pack and laid it across the table, pulling cookies from a bag and sitting cross-legged on the wood letting Evan's head rest in his lap, that he truly realized. It wasn't until he saw the pinks and the blues and the bright yellows of the chemical reactions of the fireworks in the sky above him, not until he heard Jonathan hum beneath his breath, felt his fingers in his hair, felt his smile. It wasn't until his light overpowered everything else and finally engulfed his body and his soul.

Evan realized then that he was falling in the love with him. He was falling in love with a guy that the whole world had seen. Everyone . . . except for him.


	7. Chapter 7

That night, Evan dreamed of fireworks and a face that he couldn't place and when he woke he found the light in his eyes glowing even brighter.

Jonathan drove them to the same festival and led them to the same bench as the previous evening, setting up the blanket again. But Jonathan threw him for a loop when he placed a guitar in his hands.

"I've never heard you play, so I thought I'd bring it along." Jonathan said and played with the sleeves of his jacket as the wind picked up. "But you don't have to. I just thought you might like to play since it's been a while."

"Yeah, it's been months actually. Ever since things went downhill with Avery and then . . . all of this." He motioned to his face. "Thank you."

"It's no problem." Jonathan shrugged watched as Evan plucked at the strings, reaquanting himself with the instrument that his mother had given him when he was young. It was worn out and had stickers stuck all over it, courtesy of his little brother over the years.

He strummed a tune that had Jonathan weak and his fingers itched to reach out and wipe away whatever emotion Evan was trying to hide. Sorrow, perhaps. Whichever it was, Jonathan found it beautiful in a very sad kind of way. Like how the falling of the leaves in Autumn were a gorgeous display of death, colorful and lonely as they fell to their resting place below.

Evan was sad, but beautifully so in Jonathan's eyes. He was the only one that knew how troubled the famous YouTuber was. What, with his relationships and mostly depressing mind set. He was lonely, but he projected his emotions as if he were happy so that no one would know. No one but him. And Jonathan hadn't planned on getting as close to Evan as he did, but one night they stayed up late. Later than the others and it was just the two of them and they somehow got on the subject of life. Jonathan had never heard him so serious or torn and after that night he knew Evan was different. He knew he had to hold onto that because he didn't have anyone that felt the same way about the world and it's way of fucking everyone over.

"Can you play?" Evan asked, shaking him from his heavy thoughts and he grinned.

"No, not really." He gave a nervous giggle and cracked his fingers. "I only know how to play one song, but it's really sad and sappy. My older brother taught it to me years ago. It's all I know."

Evan smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Sad and sappy is the best thing to play on an acoustic guitar. Let me hear it."

Jonathan took a deep breath and placed the guitar in his lap letting his fingers rest where they should. He had the chords memorized in his head, he'd played the song so much. He couldn't tell you the notes, but he knew what they sounded like and where his fingers went and in what order. He strummed and he felt it pull at his chest just like the first time he heard his brother play it.

 **(Listen to Keaton Henson - You Don't Know How Lucky You Are)**

Evan felt the warm shiver run down to his fingertips when Jonathan strummed the first few notes, but his lungs felt empty when he heard him sing.

 _Does he know_

 _Who you are?_

Jonathan's voice was deep and at moments it was fragile. But it was a sweet tone that seemed effortless, the sound warm and soothing like waves crashing.

 _Does he know when you're sad_

 _You don't like to be touched_

 _Let alone, kissed_

 _Does he know where your lips begin?_

His pitch rose higher and with it, Evan's heart until it was sitting in his throat and he clutched at the fabric of his jeans. He could feel the heat in his face and cold air biting at his nose as Jonathan sang. Evan never wanted it to end but a voice interrupted them both.

"Jonathan?"

He stopped his strumming and looked over to find a small blonde walking their way.

"Hey, Melanie!" He sat the guitar down and slid off the table to greet her with a warm hug. "It's good to see you."

She smiled, "It's good to see you, too. So how is everything?"

"Good. It's really good." He motioned back to Evan. "He's starting to see again."

"What?! That's great!" She clapped her hands together, but looked at Jonathan when Evan just sat there confused.

Jonathan cleared his throat. "Sorry. Evan, this is Melanie. She was one of your nurses in the hospital and she helped me get everything together to take care of you. She's the one I called when you had that epic nosebleed."

Evan forced a grin and held out his hand, "Oh, well thank you, Melanie. I appreciate it."

"My pleasure. I have a knack for damsels and dudes in distress." She joked and noted how tense Evan was and how fast he built an invisible wall around himself. It felt like he wanted it around Jonathan even more and she grinned at the fact.

"Can I talk to you for a moment, Jonathan? Alone?" She asked nicely and observed the twitching of his fingers as he looked back for Evan's approval. The Asian faked another grin.

"I'll still be here when you get back. Not like I can see well enough to wander off." He said with more bite than he intended. Jonathan noticed.

"I won't be long, I promise." And with that he followed her off around the corner where the crowd was bustling and the noise was louder.

"What's up?"

Melanie shoved her hands in her coat pockets to hide from the wind. "I found his brother."

The excitement spread across Jonathan face, but just as soon faded and turned into worry. "Really? Is he still around?"

She smiled and nodded. "He's staying with a friend and he's perfectly fine, don't worry."

"Thank god." Delirious sighed and sagged slightly from the relief. "Do you have a way I can get in touch with him?"

"Yep, here." She handed him a piece of paper with a phone number and address. A somber look settled on his face and he smiled sadly.

"Melanie . . . I really can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me and him. Two complete strangers . . ." He looked up at the sky and searched for the words he wanted to say.

She placed a small hand on his arm. "Jonathan, you don't have to thank me. Really. I just wanted to do what I felt was right and seeing the way he's practically molded himself to you since you came here makes it all worth it."

"What do you mean?" He asked, genuinely confused and more than a little curious.

"He doesn't like me." She gave a small laugh. "Not because he doesn't know me, but because he thinks I pose a threat."

Jonathan shook his head, "I still don't understand."

"He thinks I could possibly take away all of your attention." She said and grinned the moment it finally registered in his head. His eyebrows inches up his forehead and his mouth hung open while he thought on it.

"I don't . . . but . . . he's not into guys."

Melanie shrugged. "Maybe not, but there's a first time for everything. People change Jonathan and I'm willing to be that he's a little confused about it. But he definitely feels something. He might not be into other guys, but he's into _you_. So just . . . keep that in mind. Unless you don't feel that way about him."

Jonathan rubbed the back of his neck and gave a shy laugh, "I do. Always have, really. But he's always just been my best friend, you know. The one that's straight and always in a hopeless relationship and I've always been the one to listen. I'm his guy, the guy that listens, talks, makes him feel better. Loves him no matter what because we've been friends for a long time and I don't like to see him upset."

Melanie nodded, "For you, it's whatever _he_ wants."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"And what if what he wants is _you_?"

Jonathan didn't have an answer, just endless thoughts and possibilities and what ifs running across his mind. He said goodbye to Melanie and stared into the crowd for what felt like eternity, trying to process the actual possibility that Evan could like him. Maybe even want him, but it was difficult to swallow because once upon a time that was all he thought about. Evan and his face and how perfect his life would be if he could wake up to that everyday and live his life, game. He had brushed that fantasy aside so long ago that bringing it up again now was just humoring himself. It was such a long shot, but thinking about what the nurse had said had him reliving every second he'd spent with Evan and the way his behavior had changed suddenly seemed to make a little bit of sense.

He calmed his heart and pulled his phone out, dialing the number that was on the piece of paper and when it went to voicemail he left a message. He hoped it was heard soon.

* * *

Evan hated that he felt this way. Jealous of someone he didn't even know, because of someone he hadn't even seen. He hadn't felt this possessive of a person in years. Maybe he never had because he'd never felt sick from thinking on it or worried or so anxious for him to come back so he could wrap his fingers around him and keep him there. He felt Jonathan before he heard him come back around the corner and he relaxed when his presence engulfed him once again. Jonathan felt . . . Evan closed his eyes to search for the word.

 _Serene._

And if he could have seen his face at that moment he felt like he would be smiling, judging by the way the light was flowing off of him. What was different? Evan felt sick again. Did Jonathan get a date? Did he kiss her? No, that was stupid, he didn't even really know her. Why would he even like her?

Why was he so fucking worried about it? Why did he even care?

"Hey." Jonathan's carefree voice slipped into his brain and he stopped thinking, forgot about whatever was on his mind and instead reached for him. Fingers slid past his until they were pulling him closer, spinning him until he was laying back on the table, his head in Jonathan's lap looking up at the fireworks popping in the sky. The colors were getting brighter, more distinct and he could see the shapes now. Blurred smudges of color against the black, a huge glowing white orb that he knew was the moon sitting high in the sky.

"It's getting clearer." He said distractedly while he tried not to shiver around the fingers running through his hair.

Jonathan hummed and his let his fingers leave trails down the sides of Evan's face, running lightly down his neck until he closed his eyes and sighed. "You're gonna put me to sleep."

Jonathan grinned down at him. "Do want to go home?"

"Yeah, as long as you touch me until I fall asleep." He smirked and opened his eyes, seeing Jonathan's shape.

He chuckled, "No homo?"

Evan laughed, "No homo."

* * *

Jonathan took him home and lead him by his fingers to the fort where they stripped down until they were comfortable on the pillows, the air cooling their skin. He turned the tv on and they listened to Adventure Time play because neither of them were watching. Evan was watching the back of his eyelids and the colors that danced behind them as fingers traced abstract shapes across his shoulders. Jonathan watched the goosebumps form on Evan's skin wherever his fingers touched that smooth, tanned skin. The glow of the tv cast shadows over him and Jonathan didn't push down the want that he felt, the want that he'd been suppressing for years. He let it flood him and pull Evan closer when he finally fell asleep. His limp body forming to his just as easy as clay. He let his head fill with the smell of Evan's shampoo and nuzzled his face against his head before he dozed off, waking only when Evan moved closer, throwing a heavy arm over his waist.

He wanted this and if Evan would let him, he'd take care of him for the rest of their lives.

* * *

Evan's head was buzzing when he woke and the amount of light that filled his head was almost too much. It was almost blinding, like waking up to the sun coming in through the blinds when he was hungover. He still couldn't see clearly but the light was filtering in at one-hundred percent, shapes he could make out perfectly fine. It was just one big blur and squinting didn't help clear anything up. Not yet. He sat up and rubbed his tired eyes before he glanced down and saw the color of skin stretched out for miles beside him. Jonathan was just a big, long, pile of blurry pale pink. But it was the closest he'd been to seeing him since the entire month he'd been here.

He observed until that big blur started moving and stretching and yawning. "I'm up. What's up? What day is it?"

Evan smiled, "You're asking _me_ what day it is? I haven't known what day it is since the last time I called you."

"It was June seventh, a week after your birthday. You felt like shit then, how do you feel now?" Jonathan asked and ran his hand up Evan's back as a soothing gesture and Evan soaked it up.

"I feel like a different person." Evan said but he didn't mean it in a bad way. He felt good and even though things had been dark at times, they still had color and feeling and what he felt for Jonathan was something that he never wanted to give up. He didn't want to say goodbye to the blue that had settled into his soul and made him feel like he wasn't alone. The warmth that wrapped him up and took care of him, that made him feel undeniably happy for the first time in his life.

He saw a smudge of white in the blur of colors when Jonathan smiled before he stood and disappeared into the kitchen to make them breakfast. That alone had his chest aching because he was so close to knowing. So close to seeing and while Jonathan cooked, the bacon sizzling on the hot skillet he let the question slip through his defenses and out into the open.

"What does she look like?"

Jonathan hesitated for just a split second and continued flipping pancakes and frying bacon. "She's cute."

He glanced over Evan who was tapping his fingers against the counter, looking elsewhere. Jonathan bit his lip to keep from smiling about it. "But she's the complete opposite of my type."

The only sound for a few moments was popping of bacon grease before he heard a quiet, "Oh."

Jonathan debated on whether or not to let loose his next statement, but he knew he wouldn't do it any other way. So he cut the burners off and said, "She's very small, blonde . . . . and a woman."

Evan felt the heat flush his skin and he comprehending what Jonathan's words meant. The complete opposite. So his type was someone tall or big, dark hair . . . . not a woman.

"Oh." He said stupidly when he finally understood.

Jonathan liked guys. Evan opened his mouth to say something else but a knock at this front door interrupted him.

"I'll get it." Delirious pulled the food off the stove and grabbed his jeans off the back of the couch and slipped into them before he headed for the door and turned the knob. The door swung open and on the porch stood a guy that could've been Evan's twin.

"Are you Jonathan?" The boy asked and rocked awkwardly on the balls of his feet.

"I am. You got my message?"

"I did. Is he here?"

Jonathan felt Evan behind him and he looked back at him coming closer. He'd pulled his own jeans on and was wearing Jonathan's shirt. His bare feet clicked on the hardwood and there was hope in his eyes. "Jamie?"

"Hey, Evan." Jamie said quietly and ducked his head. "I'm sorry."

Evan didn't say anything just pulled him inside by his shirt and hugged him until Jamie was crying into his shoulder. "I had no fucking idea you'd been in an accident. I stopped watching your twitter and youtube and if I had known you were blind I would have come back. God, I'm so fucking sorry, man."

"It's okay, I'm fine. I'm just glad you're not dead." Evan held his baby brother tighter and they pulled away only when Jonathan cleared his throat.

"You two should grab a plate of food and head upstairs." He grinned when they both looked at him confused. "There's someone on the computer that wants to talk to you."

Evan didn't ask, just grabbed the plate Jonathan handed him and his brother and went up to his room where his Skype was open and a voice he hadn't heard in two years met his ears and he felt the tears falling down his face before he even made it to his chair. "Mom?"

"Evan, baby. Jamie." She laughed and wiped the tears from her own eyes.

* * *

Jonathan listened and let a content grin settle on his face as he pulled Evan's shirt over his head and left them both a note on the kitchen counter. Laughter echoed through the house and he slid into his jacket, picking up the keys to the car and driving into town to meet with Melanie while Evan, his brother, and their mother reconnected with each other.

"Did it work? It worked. I can tell by that smile on your face." She gave him a pat on the cheek when he slid into the booth across from her at a cafe in the middle of town. "So, are you gonna take him to the last set of fireworks tonight? Kiss him in the moonlight?"

"Shut up. I'd like to, but I can't just jump into it like that. This is an extremely delicate situation. I can't lose him, so if he wants to test me out, he'll have to initiate it. I can't risk losing our friendship if he doesn't want it. I don't even want to think about him pushing me away again. It was fucking torture those first two weeks." Jonathan blew the heat off of the coffee the waiter dropped off and took a sip. "But if he'd rather just be friends for the rest of our lives, I'm perfectly fine with that. It's like you said. For me, it's whatever _he_ wants."

"I'm sure he won't be able to resist that nagging thought in his mind for too much longer." She winked and he rolled his eyes with a smirk.

"Whatever you say."

* * *

Evan didn't know what to say when Jonathan came back that evening. He didn't know how to open his mouth without saying things he'd probably regret a second later. He didn't know how to reach for him without pulling him in and hugging him. He didn't know how to stop feeling the way he did. But when Jonathan touched his fingertips to his when he held his hand out for him, Evan realized that he didn't want to stop. He couldn't. He cried against Jonathan's shirt because he let him. He took care of him, wiped the wetness from his face and made him laugh.

"The last firework show is tonight, so let's head down there and get good seats. It's supposed to be the biggest display yet."

Evan followed him and his light as they packed the same bag, the same blanket and loaded up in the car once more. They had an extra passenger this time, his brother. That alone made Evan's chest swell and he smiled until his face hurt when their laughter mixed together as they walked out into the green field and placed their blanket. He tried not to think about the headache that was growing behind his eyes or the fact that there wasn't space for thought between his own body and Jonathan's. They sat shoulder to shoulder while the field became more and more crowded as the sun sank lower in the sky.

The chatter reached a volume he didn't agree with and the headache peaked. He shut his eyes tight, trying to get past the sharp throbbing and Melanie's sudden appearance. "Are you okay?"

"M'fine." He brushed her hand off his shoulder as nicely as he could and pulled Jonathan's arm around him instead.

He looked over at him and grinned as the first firework popped in the night sky, illuminating his face that was still a blur but was becoming clearer at a rather alarming rate. He looked away, feeling his heart beating furiously in his face and he made it through most of the show without looking again, but he had to. When he did, he saw a blur of color where his eyes were and the air left his lungs as the colors continued to bounce off his face.

Jonathan looked his way, their faces almost touching. "What?"

Evan stared at him until he was certain the words about to leave him were true. He saw the color again as the lights filled the sky with a long crackle and he said softly, "You're eyes are blue."

Jonathan blinked and Evan smiled. "I _knew_ they were gonna be blue."

Jonathan almost leaned in right then and there but the pain that crossed Evan's face in a matter of seconds stopped his heart and his hand was on his face trying to stop the blood that came pouring out of his nose from soaking his clothes. But it was futile and Evan coughed around the blood and the taste as it ran over his lips. "I'm sorry."

"The fuck are you sorry for?" Jonathan laughed. "God, you are so Canadian it's not even funny."

Jamie and Jonathan helped him to his feet and back out to the car while Melanie trailed behind them with their things as the show ended and the crowded filed out to their vehicles. People asked if he was alright and he just nodded and waved them off. He was squinting as the headlights blinded him. It only made his head hurt worse but things were steadily getting clearer.

"Sunglasses, please. Holy fuck it's bright." Evan groaned and covered his eyes as the cars drove by them.

Jonathan dug around in the pack that Melanie handed him and pulled out the sunglasses he kept close by just in case. He was glad he did. He sacrificed his jacket and Evan held it to his nose as they drove home in near silence until his brother spoke up in the back seat.

"Does this happen often?" He asked, slightly concerned.

"It's normal for someone who's recovering from a concussion, yeah. This is only the second time it's happened. He'll be okay. Just a little dizzy." Jonathan glanced over at Evan who was leaning heavily against the door. He mumbled in agreement and they had to help him out of the car and inside where he sat at the bar while Jonathan went upstairs to start a hot shower.

Jamie eyed his brother as he sat there in a daze, "One of the other reasons I didn't come back is because I thought you had already moved to California."

Jonathan appeared at the top of the stairs, "You never told me you were going to California."

"I still have a few weeks left to fly over and sign some papers to make it official. I've got an apartment ready to go when I am. But all of this happened and I was just going to let it all expire, because I was blind and there no point in telling you if I wasn't going to go." Evan shrugged weakly laid his head down on the jacket.

Jonathan made his way down. "You can still go. You're getting your sight back. How is it now?"

"Mm." Evan sat up and his head swayed. He opened his eyes and took off the sunglasses, quickly shutting his lids again. "Blurry and bright."

"That's a good sign though. I mean, you can see things well enough to know what color my eyes are now." Jonathan mentioned and Jamie looked between the two and had sense enough to take his leave.

"It was nice to meet you, Delirious. Good to see you, Evan. But I have work tomorrow and I need to get back home for the night." He eased around the bar and gave his brother a hug, careful not to get blood on his clothes before he made his way to the door.

"Keep in touch, please!" Evan yelled after him and he heard a sarcastic response followed by a laugh and the sound of the door shutting.

Jonathan turned back to Evan, "Can you see?"

"No." Evan shook his head and regretted it immediately. "I mean. Yeah, a bit. But it's not completely clear yet. Still hazy. It's just so fucking bright I don't want to open my eyes and look."

"Then don't. Keep them shut." Jonathan squeezed his shoulder and fixed him a drink to wash the pain pills down with. "Here."

Evan took them gratefully and let Jonathan pull him up the stairs and into the bathroom where he pulled his clothes off for the second time and led him into the hot shower. Evan could feel the light behind his eyes when Jonathan stepped in with him and just like before, he wiped the blood from his body and just like before Jonathan felt heavy. Like he had something on his shoulders.

"What's wrong?" Jonathan asked when Evan furrowed his brows.

He shook his head and brought his hands up to Jonathan's face and let his fingers feel him. "I just want to see you."

The pulse was strong in Jonathan's neck and Evan could feel it beneath his fingers. "What else do you have that I can't see?"

He asked just as he had that day in the park and he waited silently as Jonathan took one of his fingers in his hand and led it to his chest. "I have a tattoo. Here." He guided Evan's finger and made it trace the outline of a bird on his chest. "And here." Evan's finger was placed on his neck where it trailed down his arm in a design he was unfamiliar with, but something he was desperate to see. He cracked his eyes open and saw a blurry chest covered in colors to pretty for words. The light bit at his eyes and he shut them again, wincing and grabbing onto Jonathan's arm.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." Evan huffed. "Any more?"

"One." Jonathan said and Evan let him guide his hand down lower until he was tracing a small line on the inside of his hip. "Right there."

Evan inhaled and let his hand rest on his hip when he pulled away. His thumb pressed into the soft skin and he tried to open his eyes again, but Jonathan put his hands over them when he did. He caught a glimpse of blue.

"Stop hurting yourself, please. Let your head stop hurting so bad and then try again, okay?"

Evan grinned. "Kay."

He dropped his head and let his forehead rest on Jonathan shoulder and he couldn't stop the fire that swelled inside of him, nor could he push down the urge he had to press his lips against his neck, couldn't stop his hands from sliding up his slim slides, his tense muscles. The only thing that stopped him was Jonathan himself.

"Don't." He breathed heavily as he held Evan's hands still by his wrists. "Please."

"I'm sorry." Evan swallowed and felt himself turning red beneath the water.

"Don't be." Jonathan said and Evan could feel the sadness in his voice. Yearning. That's what was making him feel so heavy. He was holding back and it only fanned the flames in his gut. "I just want you to be sure about me before you . . . . ."

"I like you." Evan sighed and let his head hit the tile behind him. It was nice to say out loud for once.

Jonathan smiled, "You haven't even seen me yet."

"I don't have to know what you look like to know that I like you, dude." Evan shook his head and took a deep breath.

Jonathan sighed, "Listen. Just sleep on it, please. Once you can see me, then you can tell me if you feel the same way. Then we'll talk. Okay?"

"Alright." Evan nodded. "I'm sorry."

Jonathan popped him lightly on the face, "What did I say about apologizing?"

Evan laughed and reached for the shampoo, handing it to his best friend. "Wash my hair?"

"As you wish, bitch." He giggled when Evan hit him on the chest. The feelings they shared didn't change what was already between them, it only made more sense and Evan dried off feeling better, but he kept his eyes shut so he wouldn't risk hurting his eyes more as they cleared. He was lying on his bed while Jonathan clipped his nails. He held his fingers in his one by one and delicately cut the nails that had grown too long for Evan's liking because he'd accidentally scratched the both of them on separate occasions already.

When he finished, Evan played with Jonathan's fingers for as long as he would let him and he could smell the soap on his skin. He grinned, "I can't believe you found my brother." He ran his fingers up his arm. "And my mother."

"Are you okay with that?" Jonathan asked and Evan held his tongue. He didn't say, yes. He didn't say that he loved him for it or that he wanted to kiss him until he couldn't breathe.

He said, "Yes."

Then his stomach growled and they both laughed until Jonathan stood. "I'm gonna run into town and get some pizza. You stay here and chill out, I'll be right back."

"Be careful, please." Evan called after him when he went downstairs. He heard the keys jingling in his hand.

"I will! Pepperonis and bacon, right?"

"Right!" Evan called back and the silence rang out when the door shut.

He put his hands behind his head and let his mind wander for a while before he picked up his phone that Jonathan kept charged on his side table for him. "Siri, what time is it?"

"It's seven p.m."

He sat it back down and took a deep breath, still letting it sink in that he'd told Jonathan that he liked him. He seemed to like him back by the way he reacted. Jonathan wanted to be sure that he was what he wanted before he took the next step. It was sweet and had Evan smiling to himself as he dozed off waiting for him to come back. His dreams always went pretty much the same way. They were dark and rainy, the only light was the flashing of lightening in the sky as he walked or drove down an empty road. Sometimes it was cold, other times it was so hot he couldn't breathe and he woke up in a sweat with Jonathan right beside him to calm him down.

This time was no different. He was in his car, driving through town and Jonathan was on the phone with him and that laugh filled his ears as lights blinded him from his left side. The sound of metal crunching was so loud and he felt his stomach drop as his car turned over and over and over until he didn't know which way was up and all he could hear was Jonathan screaming his name and he sounded so scared. His voice was always wet like he was on the outside in the pouring rain trying to get to him, trying to get him out.

"EVAN!" His voice always cracked. "Say something! Please!"

Evan always tried, but he couldn't make it come out. Just like he couldn't stop the bitter taste of blood from creeping across his tongue.

The thunder cracked and he was awake, sitting straight up in his bed in the dark. His eyes were wide open and he could see every poster on his wall, every light on his computer, every flash of lightening as it illuminated his room. He blinked, waiting for it all to go away or blur but it didn't. Everything was crisp and clear and the color was saturated and he drank it in. The thunder rolled again and it made the hairs stand on his neck.

This was the part where Jonathan always came running up the stairs, but the longer Evan waited and stared at his open doorway the more scared he became. The dread crept up his back and he reached for his phone that read eight-thirty p.m. His heart started beating harder and he walked out to the top of the stairs and looked down at the empty house below.

"Jonathan?" He called and waited for an answer but all he got was silence. The rain beat down on the roof and he could hear the wind picking up. Jonathan had been gone an hour and half when it should have taken him only thirty minutes at most to get there and back. His fingers shook and he flipped through his contacts and found Delirious and hit dial. He held the phone to his ear as he ran down the stairs, past the most epic fort he'd ever seen, out the front door where the wind hit him in the face like a wall. He waited and his knees almost buckled when he heard the familiar ringtone behind him in the house. He turned back to see a light flashing on the counter of his bar and he ran over to see his own name lighting up the screen of Jonathan's phone. He hung up and tried to stop the panic that flooded him. But he couldn't and he was searching for air and fighting back the fear that had him sinking to the floor as the storm raged on outside.

* * *

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Jonathan yelled as the rain beat down on the car. The pizza was cold and the traffic was barely moving. "Five more fucking feet and I can turn you stupid fuck! MOVE!"

His hands were shaking he was so mad and he hadn't realized he had left his phone sitting on the bar until he was in the pizza place. They were out of bacon and he was going to call Evan and ask if sausage was okay but when he had reached into his pocket he realized. He got the food and left as soon as he could and when he walked outside the wind gave a gust and he knew then that a storm was just around the corner. He heard the thunder and saw the lightening and he felt the droplets hitting his face when he reached the car and got in. He was home free until the traffic lights stopped working and everyone suddenly forgot how to function properly and he was stuck there for an hour longer than he should've been.

All he could think about was how fucking worried Evan was and how scared he must be sitting alone in his house with no way to reach him. No way of knowing if he was okay or not and now it was pouring rain and the thunder was rattling the windows. Jonathan took a deep breath and waited as patiently as he could as the car in front of him slowly crept forward far enough that he could make his turn. Then he was gone, hitting the gas and driving as fast of the rain would let him until he was out of the traffic and on his way back to the only thing that mattered.

* * *

Evan was rocking himself back and forth on the floor with his knees pulled tight to his chest and he talked to himself to keep his mind from assuming the worst. He was breathing so hard he almost didn't hear the car door shut and when the front door opened his head snapped up and Jonathan stumbled in soaking wet with two equally wet pizza boxes in his hand. He dropped them on the table by the door and leaned against the wood when he shut it behind him. He was out of breath and probably the prettiest thing Evan had ever seen.

"I . . ." Jonathan sucked in air then released it. "I am _SO_ fucking sorry."

Water dripped from the tip of his nose and hit the floor and Evan caught his eyes when he looked his way. Blue, sharp, and beautiful. Evan pushed himself to his feet, his gaze never straying as he stepped his way. Jonathan looked more and more suspicious of him the closer he got.

Evan swallowed, "I still feel the same."

The comprehension spread across Jonathan's face and stood up straight and blinked, "Can you . . ."

Evan licked his lips and grinned, "I can see you." He inched closer. "Clear as ever."

Jonathan's breathing finally slowed and caught Evan's outstretched hand and watched his lips when he said, "You're fucking gorgeous."

Evan felt his trembling stop and the thunder didn't even phase him when it cracked. Jonathan's wet fingers slid across his face and cupped his jaw and his cool breath rushed across his lips and he smiled. That alone was the brightest thing Evan had ever seen. "So pretty."

"Not as pretty as you." Jonathan said and closed that small distance, pressing their lips together and feeling Evan grabbing his rain-wet shirt in his hands. Jonathan pulled back, "Not as pretty as your eyes when you cry."

He kissed him lightly and grinned, "Not as pretty as your lips when you chew on them too much."

Evan chased his mouth until Jonathan turned him and pushed his back against the door. One arm wrapped around his waist, resting against the small of his back, the curve that intensified the deep he kissed him, using his tongue to work his way gently into his hot mouth. He pulled away again and Evan pulled at his wet shirt when Jonathan said, "Not as pretty as the way your skin flushes when you're in the shower."

Evan nudged his face with his nose until Jonathan kissed him again and again and again. He kissed him until the stubble started to rub his face raw and he couldn't feel his lips. Kissed him until they were in the fort staring up at the lights that dangled above them peacefully as Evan touched his face, his earrings, traced his tattoos. Letting his eyes roam and remember every shade of pale that he was, every color that was etched into his skin, every fleck of dark blue that resided in his crystal eyes.

He kissed his fingertips and said, "I see you."

Jonathan smiled warmly and wrapped him up in his arms as the rain came down, pulled him into his light and kept him there, whispering softly against his jet black hair, "I love you."

* * *

I will be writing one more chapter, so fret not. :) -walk


	8. Chapter 8

Evan wondered what he ever did to deserve someone like Jonathan. He wondered if it was fate that he had called him that night, had been on the phone with him when it happened. What if it had been someone else? Would he still be stuck in a deep endless dark world, surrounded by his past, his insecurities and his inability to ask for help?

He didn't know, but all he could think about was the fact that he had never felt like this before. It was a feeling that escalated as he silently crept upstairs while Jonathan slept in the early hours of the morning, to turn his computer on and view the videos he knew the man had been uploading on his channel.

All the time that they had spent together, the laughter, the dinners they fussed over, and the games they played were all there for Evan to finally see with his own eyes. Even a small slideshow of pictures that Jonathan had taken, from Evan sleeping, to him flipping him off when he was doped up on medicine.

 _"To the left, Evan! Oh my god!"_

Evan laughed as he watched himself sitting next to Delirious on the floor of the fort as he guided him through the streets of Los Santos. His smile was so radiant and he could still feel his bright color even though he had his sight back. He always would. Delirious would always be a warm blue ball of light in his mind, one that wrapped him up in a warm blanket of comfort and kept him calm and at peace with the world.

Evan's heart thudded when he finally worked his way up to the first video that Jonathan had posted. He had titled it, ' **Important, please watch!** '.

Evan clicked play and his emotions ran free when he watched the moment that the entire world got to see his face for the first time.

He was beautiful and sad and it hurt to watch him but Evan couldn't tear his eyes away.

 _"Hi._ " He started off uncertainly, grinning shyly at the camera as he searched for words to say. _"I . . . am obviously not Evan. Which is why I need to talk to you guys. Um, I'm Jonathan. I'm sure you all know me better as Delirious."_

He paused and rubbed at his tired face and Evan thought about how exhausted he must have been from taking care of him, staying up late to listen up for him just in case.

 _"I'll just get straight to the point. Evan was in an accident, a car accident. But don't freak out, because he's okay. He's alive and a little worse for wear, but he's kicking. But, um, from the point of impact of the other vehicle . . . it's left him blind. His optic nerves are swollen and bruised and all that fun stuff, but the doctor says it should only be temporary. So now we're just waiting to see how fast and how well his eyes heal."_

Delirious cleared his throat and took a deep breath. _"So, he's going to be out of commission and we don't know how long. I don't want him to have to worry about his channel while he's recovering. I don't want him to worry about anything. Which is why I am here at his house, taking care of the bastard."_

He chuckled to himself and Evan stared at that sad smile. _"He's uh, not in a good mood lately and I'm doing the best that I can and I just want to make sure that everything is going to be right as rain whenever he recovers. He's really scared that he won't get better and I'm trying to prove him wrong."_

Evan bit back the guilt he felt.

 _"And I know that everyone has always wanted to see my face, so what better way to get the views up on his channel, than to post myself on it? I wouldn't have done this otherwise, but he needs this. He needs me and if giving up my face means that he won't have to worry about his channel for however long it takes to get his sight back . . . I'd do it all over again. So, please watch this and share it, signal boost it, do whatever you gotta do to help Evan's channel out while he gets better. I would appreciate it so much and I'll even start uploading more videos of me and him together on here for you guys."_

Evan bit back fresh tears when Jonathan looked into the camera. _"Evan is such an important person in my life and he didn't deserve to have this happen to him. He's been such a good friend to me and he's just . . . I wouldn't be where I am today without him. He's uh . . . he's pretty amazing and I'm actually not even telling him that I'm doing this. He'll just have to see for himself when he can see again and kick my ass then. But you will see again, Evan, I promise you. I'll give you my eyes if I have to."_

The video ended and Evan just sat there with a flurry of feelings turning circles in his stomach. Then there was a sweet familiar hum behind him.

"Hmm. I'm really really glad it didn't come to that. I like my eyes right where they are." Jonathan said from where he was leaning against the doorway of his room. "Which is in my head, looking at you."

Evan broke into a smile and caught himself blinking back the tears again. He stood and made his way over to the long lean body that was waiting for him. "I still can't believe you did that. I can't believe I was the last one to see your face."

Jonathan grinned, "I know. I always wanted you to be the first. I'm sorry."

He took Evan's fingers in his hands, playing with them mindlessly when he pulled him down on top of him onto the bed. Evan straddled his waist and watched him kiss his fingertips one at a time.

"Don't be. I'm just happy that I can see you at all." He caught Jonathan's fingers and intertwined them before he leaned down and placed a careful kiss on his lips. "Thank you, for giving up the biggest part of you . . . just for me."

Jonathan looked him in the eye, "Stop thanking me. You deserve it."

"I don't think I've ever deserved you."

"Well, you have me so deal with it." Jonathan chuckled and Evan flattened himself on top of him until he wheezed dramatically and pretended to die.

Evan finally let him breathe and rolled over onto his back beside him. "What are we going to do?"

"About what?"

"Us."

Jonathan rolled to his side, "Well, that depends on what you're going to do. Are you going to go to California?"

"I don't know. I always wanted to be closer to all the action, but I'm kind of scared to be honest. There's so many people there and so much responsibility. I just, I don't know." Evan sighed and tucked his head under Jonathan's chin.

"Don't stress about it. Either way I'll be visiting you. Whether you're here or there. Or you can come my way. We'll figure it out." Jonathan felt Evan's hair tickling his nose. "I promise."

* * *

Jonathan stayed for another week and helped Evan through three more migraines and four nosebleeds. His headaches were almost permanent and it was understandable because his eyes were still adjusting, but it was bothering Jonathan. So he made him go to the doctor again and they confirmed his suspicions and told Evan that he needed glasses to combat the slight blurriness that was left permanent from the accident.

Evan groaned but Jonathan grinned as he pulled him along to the eye doctor to help him pick out some frames. "Come on, you look fucking adorable with glasses."

Evan looked up at hopefully, "You think so?"

Jonathan slipped a pair over his ears and smiled, "I know so."

There was that warm radiant light pulling him in again and Evan couldn't help but let his face heat up. His heart stuttered when Jonathan kissed him right there in front of everyone.

"I like this pair on you. They're thick and black and make you look like a huge nerd." He said and gave him another quick peck on the lips.

"Then I'll get this pair. Just for you." Evan hummed happily and with his new glasses led Jonathan along to the store down the block to find some Legos to build when they got home.

* * *

They spent what time they had left together in the fort most days playing games, or walking around town so Evan could show him things he couldn't while he was blind. Evan insisted that they watch every sunset and Jonathan be the big spoon.

And on the nights that they stayed up watching a tv show, Evan would crawl into his lap and kiss him silly until Jonathan's fingers ran up his shirt, then he would hesitate.

"We'll only go as fast as you want us to, Evan." Jonathan reassured him and Evan nodded uncertainly.

"I just want to kiss you." He whispered and pulled at one of Jonathan's lips with his teeth.

"Then kiss me."

* * *

"I'm gonna to go to California. I need to at least try it out before I shut the idea down completely. I mean, it's beautiful over there and some of the guys are already living there." Evan said it like he was scared of what Jonathan thought about it. His nerves relaxed when the man smiled sweetly over his shoulder while he flipped pancakes.

"Okay."

Then Evan was tapping his finger against the counter before he knew it, sending his nerves into another nauseous knot. "When do you have to leave?"

He sighed and made their plates, "Soon. I need to check in with my family and get some more videos done."

Evan simply nodded. He didn't want to show his anxiety or his fear of being alone again in an empty home with no one's footsteps to hear but his own. Jonathan had other obligations, he knew that. He knew he had a life to get back to, things to take care of and he bit his tongue because he didn't want to get in the way of any of that more than he already had.

"What's on your mind?"

Evan blinked when he sat the food in front of him. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"About?"

Evan swallowed his fear down and grinned, "You."

He leaned over and pressed his lips against the side of Jonathan's face, laughing when his glasses hit his cheek bone and almost came off. "Sorry, I'm still not used to these things."

"It's okay." Jonathan chuckled and straightened them for him, his fingers lingering on his face for a moment. He caught his eye and he saw the hesitation in his brown eyes. The smile faded. "There's something you're not telling me."

Evan swallowed when Jonathan's hand dropped, so he placed his own on his fair face and let his finger run over the scar that still had no story behind it.

"And there's something _you_ aren't telling _me_." Evan countered and that was the first time he'd caught Jonathan off guard.

His blue eyes flickered with fear for just a moment before they were filled with regret.

Evan took his hand, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to push you into telling me."

Jonathan shook his head and grinned weakly, "No, it's okay. I knew I'd have to tell you eventually. It's kind of an obvious scar." He cleared his throat and met his eyes, "I was always the weird kid at school, but I was also the nice one that never fought back. I had this friend who had the worst boyfriend a girl in high school could have. You know, that controlling one that wanted to murder anyone that looked at his property. She always came to me asking for advice and I'd tell her like it was. One day she stood up for herself and stopped taking his bullshit. He got furious of course so she ran and ended up at my house. I took her out into town to take her mind off of it and cheer her up. That was first time I had let someone in and deliberately tried to take care of a person. I was good at it and a few days later she found the courage to break up with him. He was beside himself and everyone in the lunch room was laughing at him when she did it. I was so proud of her. Then he made eye contact with me and I knew then that he had found out. But I didn't think anything of it, because what could he do to me?"

Evan squeezed his fingers when he paused and took a breath to calm his nerves. "I forgot about the whole thing until the day I decided to walk home instead of riding with my brother because he had practice after school. I didn't . . . I couldn't hear him coming up behind me. There wasn't anyone else around and he tossed me in an alley and had me pinned against the wall with his knife beneath my chin. I couldn't move. I couldn't scream." His voice caught. "I couldn't breathe."

Evan felt him shaking, "You don't have to keep going."

Jonathan shook his head, "No, I need to tell you." He rubbed at his face. "He was so angry and he towered over me."

* * *

 _"It was you wasn't it?! I know it was you, you little faggot!"_

 _Jonathan could still hear his voice in his ear as the small blade pressed into his skin._

 _"I heard you like cock. Isn't that right, you queer?" He spat, the malice in his voice was clear and Jonathan was frozen with fear. He couldn't even blink. "Well, you're gonna take my cock since you decided to persuade my other outlet to fucking dump me! You piece of shit!"_

 _Jonathan gasped when he spun him until his face was shoved into the brick wall and his pants were being forced down far enough. He managed to say, "No!"_

 _But his plea went unheard and his heart was about to burst out of his chest as the knife threatened to cut into him even further each time he struggled. The guy's hand was rubbing him hard enough to leave bruises as he rutted against his back. Just as soon as he felt the stiff cock pressing between his cheeks, he let out a yell that echoed and he heard tires screeching out in the street then the roar of a familiar engine. A car reversed into view and he saw his brother jumping out of the vehicle. The guy holding him down panicked and let the blade slide from his jaw, down his neck as he bolted and ran down the alleyway and out of sight._

 _Jonathan grabbed at his neck, trying to staunch the bleeding as it gushed. He slid to the ground with his brother's voice echoing in his ear._

* * *

"I didn't remember much after that. Just waking up in the hospital with a new found fear of sharp objects and human contact." Jonathan grinned sadly. "I kind of alienated myself after that day. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped helping people. I stopped everything. I went numb and I was so scared to even go outside for the longest time. I would only talk to my family and Luke. But I eventually got out a little more, but I was always so cautious. For years and years, but then I found something that woke me up inside. I started gaming and the I met the guys, and then you. I got better."

He looked over at Evan and gave him a serious look, "So, trust me when I say that I will never force you into anything you're not ready for. Trust me when I tell you that I love you and that you are the most important thing in my life. You helped me when I was in the dark for so long and I think it's only fair that I did the same thing for you. I'd do it again."

Evan sat there, stunned. "I . . . God, I'm sorry that any of that happened to you and I swear to you I'll never let that happen to you again. I'll never hurt you, I'll never use you or leave you. I'm glad you were the one on the phone with me that night because if I had died, you're voice would've been the last thing that I heard. And you were the first light that I saw in the dark, even when there were others standing in the room, you were all that I could see. You're still the only thing I see and you're all I ever want to see and I love you for putting your life on hold and making sure that mine kept going. For taking care of me, for holding me in the middle of the night when it stormed. For holding my head up when I didn't think I would make it out of the dark."

Jonathan slowly let a smile crawl across his face and he couldn't help but giggle, "You looooove me. You wanna huuug me. You wanna kiiiiissss me. You wanna marrrrry me."

Evan shoved him with a laugh but pulled him in a second later and kissed him until he felt lightheaded. He pulled back and wiped at Jonathan's wet lips with his thumb, catching his hazy blue eyes. "Shut up, Delirious."

"Whatever you say, Owl man."

* * *

Evan never did get around to telling Jonathan what exactly was eating at him. Instead he kept it bottled up, that fear that ate at him night and day. He brushed it aside hoping that the feeling would just eventually pass whenever he got to California and settled in. But it never wavered and he was almost sick as Jonathan helped him pack and get all of his belongings shipped to his new home. Then he was nearly trembling as he was getting ready to say goodbye to the one that kept his head level and mind at ease. The one person that kept the light on in his dark world.

Jonathan took his face in his warm hands and kissed his forehead and Evan absorbed his touch, he took in as much of him as he could. His smell filled his head as they embraced in the bustling airport. Delirious kissed his cheeks, his nose, his lips. He looked him deep in the eye and grinned as he adjusted his glasses for him. "I'll come see you as soon as I can, okay?"

Evan nodded with a lump in his throat and tightened his fingers on his waist. "Okay."

They shared one last long and heavy kiss before Jonathan reluctantly pulled away and Evan was left standing there as he walked away. He knew it wasn't the last time he'd see him, but he was stuck thinking about the possibilities. What if he ran into family problems and had to wait weeks to come see him? What if his plane crashed?

"Stop." He told himself and shut his eyes as he caught his own flight for the U.S. But once on the plane, he dozed off and dreamed of horrid things. Things like too much rain and lightening that crawled through his house seeking him out and grabbing him by his feet only to pull him from his balcony so he could fall to his death. Things like blue eyes that slowly got darker and darker until there was no color, only black.

He threw his guts up when the plane landed.

* * *

Craig, Lui, and Tyler helped him get his things into his apartment and unpacked. They knew something wasn't right when they caught him sitting on the edge of his sofa staring out at the city below in silence for almost an hour, twisting his fingers in his hands but they never pried. All they could do was shrug at each other and attempt to cheer him up and take his mind off of whatever was bothering him.

"Hey, Evan you wanna go get something to eat? You look like you could use a good hamburger." Tyler suggested and watched Evan fake a grin and nod, slipping into his shoes and leaving with them. He was good at hiding it, but he didn't fool anyone.

They spent all day out and about, letting him get out and view the sites, taking in his new home and what all it had to offer that he hadn't seen yet. The guys were starting to think that he was okay, until he rubbed at his face and gave them a warm yet forced smile as they walked down the sidewalk.

"I'm gonna turn in for the night guys. I'm tired. Thanks for helping me with all my things, I appreciate it."

They waved and watched him go, looking around at each other before Lui nodded and pulled out his phone. "I'll call him."

* * *

Jonathan had only been home for two days before he got a call and he knew what it was about before he even answered. Luke raised an inquisitive brow but Jonathan just grinned and shook his head as he answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Delirious." Lui greeted him, but he wasn't his normal chipper self.

"Hey. Is this about Evan?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

He shrugged to himself, "He was acting weird before we parted ways the other day. I knew he was lying to me when he said he was okay. Listen I've already got a flight booked and I'll be there soon, just don't tell him. I told him not to hesitate to ask me for help but you know, old habits die hard I guess. Just don't worry about him, I'll be there soon."

"Alright, man." Lui said but then he hesitated on his next words. "So . . . is there something going on between you two? I don't mean to pry, I just couldn't help but notice how distant he would get whenever you were mentioned. It's like he misses you so much he'd just rather not think about you at all."

Jonathan grinned at that, "I don't want to bring that out in the open just yet, not until I'm there and know that he's okay."

Lui giggled, "But there _is_ something, isn't there?"

"There is."

"Ha! I knew it." He high-fived someone in the background. "Well, I guess we'll be seeing you around then. Safe travels man and I hope you can get him out of whatever state of mind he's in."

"Me, too. I'll see you guys around." Jonathan hung up and looked back up at Luke who simply nodded.

"So, you're really gonna fly all the way over there?" The older man sat back in his chair.

"I have to. I never should've left him to begin with." Jonathan ran his hands through his hair and scratched thoughtfully at his head.

Luke sighed. "You know what you _really_ need to do, Jonathan. After everything you've told me even I know what you need to do. I know it's a big step and a huge change but you need to do it. Otherwise, everything you did for him would've been for nothing. So don't talk yourself out of it."

"I know." Jonathan nodded and Luke stood, pulling him into a tight warm hug.

"I'm happy and I'm sad. But I love you, man and I know this will all work out for you." Luke pulled back and gave him a pat in the face. Jonathan smirked and Luke rolled his eyes. "Okay enough mushy stuff, let's get you packed."

"Thought you were gonna cry there for a second." Jonathan chuckled and ran down the hall when Luke swatted at him.

* * *

Evan didn't know why he fell back into his dark place, the one where he was alone because he knew that he wasn't. He had his friends close by and a boyfriend that was coming to see him soon. Or so he hoped and maybe that was his problem. He never could stop the silence of his apartment from sinking in and convincing him that Jonathan wasn't going to make it or he would be delayed or he'd have more important things to do. It was driving Evan mad and he knew what he needed to do, he knew what he needed to ask the man whenever he showed up. But until then he was dying a little on the inside having to deal with himself on his own. He needed Jonathan's light back, needed his gentle hands to keep him up on his feet.

Evan attempted to keep himself busy for the next two days, Skyping with Jonathan whenever the man had the time to call and sit with him. He never would give him a date for when he would be heading his way, all he would tell him was, soon. Those calls held him over and shed just an inkling of light on him, but it wasn't enough to keep his dark dreams at bay because that night one pulled him under and he couldn't get out of it.

It was hot, almost suffocating as he drove down an empty road. It was the same dream he used to dream of before Jonathan chased it away and it was back to haunt him now that Jonathan wasn't there. The rain started to fall and he knew what was coming and he began to cry as he listened to Jonathan's cheerful voice echoing around him in the vehicle. The intersection neared and his heart pounded, the tears wet his face. He saw the headlights and he shut his eyes tight when the sound of metal hitting metal pierced his ears. Then there he was, weightless as the car turned in the air over and over. But the next part of the dream was always the worst.

That scream. The panic in Jonathan's voice. The fear.

 _"Evan! Please!"_ He always choked. _"Oh my god . . . please! Say something!"_

But he said something new this time.

" _Evan . . . I love you._ "

He managed to whisper, _"I love you . . . Jonath - ."_ And then a light engulfed him, death perhaps. But the crack of thunder as he woke up sweating in his bed made him realize it was nothing other than the flickering of lightening as it poured outside his window. Evan felt his lip quiver and he cried into his pillow, grabbing the sheets in his hands trying to swallow the fear but nothing helped. Only one thing ever did. He fumbled for his phone on the side table and he listened to it dial as he stood and walked back and forth trying to calm his nerves.

"Evan?" Jonathan answered.

Evan sniffed, "Jonathan?"

"Hey." The worry was clear in his kind voice. "Are you okay?"

"No." Evan wiped at the hot tears still streaming down his face. All he could do was pace. He paced until he was standing in his living room staring out at the rain.

"Shhh. Take a deep breath." Jonathan instructed him calmly. "Now, tell me."

Evan exhaled and pulled at his hair, "It's storming here . . . I need you and I'm sorry I didn't say anything before. Everything inside of me has been fighting it, because that's how I've always been, you know that. But I can't do this. I can't be alone, without you. I miss you so much."

He took another breath and almost choked on a sob but Jonathan was talking in his ear and it soothed him enough.

"It's okay, you're okay. I want you to listen." Jonathan said and got quiet, to the point where Evan had to make sure the phone hadn't cut off.

"Listen for what?" Evan asked and his head snapped up when he heard a knock on his door. Before he even wondered who it might be rapping their knuckles against his door at three in the morning, he felt him.

Jonathan was on the other side and the relief that washed over him when he ran over, turned the knob, and saw his face was indescribable and quite possibly the happiest moment of his life. His entire body sagged from the mental exhaustion he'd endure over the past three days, but Jonathan's hands were there, wrapping around him, holding him together.

"I'm here, Evan, I'm here." Jonathan led him to the couch and pulled him down into his lap, a position they had grown comfortable with. Evan tucked his head into the crook of his neck and breathed him in, soaked up his warmth and that brilliant blue light that swallowed him whole. It only took minutes for his fears to disappear completely, like it had never been there at all.

"I love you." Evan mumbled against his skin. "Move in with me, please. I feel like I'm dying without you here next to me."

Jonathan smiled, "It's already done."

"You're serious?" Evan sat back and looked at him in disbelief.

"Yes, I'm serious. As soon as I got home I started working on getting me moved over here with you." He kissed his lips lightly. "I know you need me and I was never going to leave you alone. I just wanted to see if you would admit it. But you had to be a stubborn ass and bottle it all up again."

Evan snorted, "I only lasted three and a half days."

Jonathan brought him down for a deeper kiss, pulling away when Evan but at his lip. "I love you and I missed you, too. And I don't ever want to sleep without you again. The bed was too cold and I had horrible dreams."

Evan almost shuddered. "I don't want to think about the dream I just had. It was the worst one."

Jonathan ran his thumb across his lips, "Shh, then don't think about it. Think about me instead. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

"No. You're not." Evan smiled and threaded his fingers through that soft hair he knew so well that smelled so strongly of Christmas and happier times like running through a windy forest chasing lightening bugs. "Take care of me?"

Jonathan nudged his cheek with his nose, "Only if you want me to."

"I want you to." Evan let his tongue slide along Jonathan's lip and he opened his mouth for him, the kiss deepened and Evan felt the heat swell with Jonathan's hands as he let them slide across his bare skin.

Jonathan couldn't imagine a better way to take care of Evan, laying him down on the over-sized sofa and kissing away his insecurities, pulling at the fabric of his briefs until his tan skin was exposed for miles in the light of the storm that raged on outside. He couldn't think of a prettier sight than Evan beneath him, lips red from rough kisses and teeth, back arching out of pleasure. He couldn't imagine a prettier sound than Evan sucking in air like he was dying, moaning as he dug his fingers into him whenever he went a bit faster, hit a bit harder. He couldn't think of anywhere he'd rather be than making love to the one person he'd ever really known inside and out, the one person that was a light in his darkness just as much as he was for him.

He couldn't say no when Evan said breathlessly, "Open your eyes. I wanna see you. All of you."

Evan never took his eyes off of his and it was the most erotic thing Jonathan had ever experienced as he watched him come undone while he stared into him. He watched him come down from his high and kissed him until the storm sent a crack of thunder into the atmosphere, making them both jump.

Evan snorted on a laugh and Jonathan couldn't stop from following him into a fit of giggles. The couch was where they stayed all night, their hands never leaving each other's body, their lips never straying to far from the pair beside them. Jonathan couldn't sleep, just watched as Evan fell asleep on his chest until the morning sun crept in slowly stirring his raven haired lover. His sleepy grin was something that he wanted to wake up to every day and now he could.

He slid off the couch and pulled his underwear back on, heading for the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Evan asked tiredly from the sofa.

"I'm going to cook us some food, goober."

"Oh." Evan remarked cutely as he stood and made his way over to the bar. "What kind of food?"

Jonathan shrugged and smirked, "The kind you eat."

The Asian gave him that look. The one that said, "Seriously?"

But Evan wouldn't have it any other way; his best friend and boyfriend standing in his underwear cooking them breakfast at six in the morning, shaking his hips to the music on the radio, leaning over the bar to give him a kiss, along with a piece of bacon. Coming back moments later to pull him to his feet and force him to dance with him, kissing his shoulder, kissing his hands, tickling his sides, putting a smile on his face.

Jonathan knew that he'd never get tired of pulling him in for hugs, never tire of his lips, nor his smile. And he knew he'd never get tired of taking care of his partner in crime.

And Evan knew he'd never be unhappy again, never have another bad dream, never hurt. He knew he'd never stop seeing blue.

 **-END-**


End file.
